Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite HumoristPeck, George W. (George Wilbur)
General
Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite Humorist
Peck, George W. (George Wilbur)
American wit and humor
The fat man hitched around uneasy in his chair and said they all seemed to
have forgotten the principal event of that excursion, and that was how he
tried to lift a bull dog over the fence by the teeth, which had become
entangled in a certain portion of his wardrobe that should not be
mentioned, and how he left a sample of his trousers in the possession of
the dog, and how the farmer came to the college the next day with
his eyes blacked, and a piece of trousers cloth done up in a paper, and
wanted the professor to try and match it with the pants of some of the
divinity students, and how he had to put on a pair of nankeen pants and
hide his cassimeres in the boat house until the watermelon scrape blew
over and he could get them mended.
Then the small brunette minister asked if he was not entitled to some
credit for blacking the farmer's eyes. Says he: "When he got over the
fence and grabbed the near horse by the bits, and said he would have the
whole gang in jail, I felt as though something had got to be done, and I
jumped out on the other side of the wagon and walked around to him and put
up my hands and gave him 'one, two, three' about the nose, with my
blessing, and he let go that horse and took his dog back to the house."
"Well," says the red haired minister, "those melons were green, anyway,
but it was the fun of stealing them that we were after."
At this point the door opened and the host entered, and, pushing the smoke
away with his hands, he said: "Well, gentlemen, you are enjoying
yourselves?"
They threw their cigar stubs in the spittoon, the solemn man laid the
brier wood pipe where he got it, and the fat man said:
"Brother Drake, we have been discussing the evil effects of indulging in
the weed, and we have come to the conclusion that while tobacco is always
bound to be used to a certain extent by the thoughtless, it is a duty the
clergy owe to the community to discountenance its use on all possible
occasions. Perhaps we had better adjourn to the parlor, and after asking
divine guidance take our departure."
PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.
HE BECOMES A DRUGGIST.
"Whew! What is that smells so about this store? It seems as though
everything had turned frowy," said the grocery man to his clerk in the
presence of the bad boy, who was standing with his back to the stove, his
coat-tails parted with his hands, and a cigarette in his mouth.
"May be it is me that smells frowy," said the boy as he put his thumbs in
the armholes of his vest, and spit at the keyhole in the door. "I have
gone into business."
"By thunder, I believe it is you," said the grocery man, as he went up to
the boy and snuffed a couple of times and then held his hand to his nose.
"The board of health will kerosene you if they ever smell that smell, and
send you to the glue factory. What business have you gone into to make you
smell so rank?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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