"I only said that I thought so," replied the steward. "Why, didn't you say that the bill had been sent in, through you, seven or eight times, and that the captain had paid it with a flowing sheet?" "Did you dare say that, sir?" interrogated the captain, very angrily. "Mr Phillott mistook me, sir," replied the steward. "He was so busy damning the sweepers, that he did not hear me right. I said, the midshipmen had paid their crockery bill with the fore-topsail." "Ay, ay," replied the captain, "that's much more likely." "Well, Mr Steward," replied Mr Phillott, "I'll be damned if you ar'n't as big a liar as your--" (master he was going to plump out, but fortunately the first lieutenant checked himself, and added)--"as your father was before you." The captain changed the conversation by asking me whether I would take a slice of ham. "It's real Westphalia, Mr Simple; I have them sent me direct by Count Troningsken, an intimate friend of mine, who kills his own wild boars in the Hartz mountains." "How the devil do you get them over, Captain Kearney?" "There are ways and means of doing everything, Mr Phillott, and the First Consul is not quite so bad as he is represented. The first batch was sent over with a very handsome letter to me, written in his own hand, which I will show you some of these days. I wrote to him in return, and sent to him two Cheshire cheeses by a smuggler, and since that they came regularly. Did you ever eat Westphalia ham, Mr Simple?" "Yes, sir," replied I: "once I partook of one at Lord Privilege's." "Lord Privilege! why he's a distant relation of mine, a sort of fifth cousin," replied Captain Kearney. "Indeed, sir," replied I. "Then you must allow me to introduce you to a relation, Captain Kearney," said the first lieutenant; "for Mr Simple is his grandson." "Is it possible? I can only say, Mr Simple, that I shall be most happy to show you every attention, and am very glad that I have you as one of my officers." Now, although this was all false, for Captain Kearney was not in the remotest manner connected with my family, yet, having once asserted it, he could not retract, and the consequence was, that I was much the gainer by his falsehood, as he treated me very kindly afterwards, always calling me cousin. The first lieutenant smiled, and gave me a wink, when the captain had finished his speech to me, as much as to say, "You're in luck," and then the conversation changed. Captain Kearney certainly dealt in the marvellous to admiration, and really told his stories with such earnestness, that I actually believe that he thought he was telling the truth. Never was there such an instance of confirmed habit. Telling a story of a cutting-out expedition, he said, "The French captain would have fallen by my hand, but just as I levelled my musket, a ball came, and cut off the cock of the lock, as clean as if it was done with a knife--a very remarkable instance," observed he.