She could not recollect them now; but she was still conscious of the
impression which they had produced upon her while they were being
spoken. That impression was that up to that instant all the issues of
her life had been unworthy of a moment’s consideration. She had taken
what she believed to be a deep interest in many matters during the five
years that she had been the head of her father’s house. She had, she
knew, been of the greatest help to her father in his political life, not
merely turning her memory to good account in discovering the incautious
phrases in the speeches of the men who were foolish enough to be his
opponents, but actually advising him, when he asked her, on many matters
about which the newspapers had been full. Then she had taken an active
part in more than one of those “movements” which became the topic of a
London season until compelled by an invisible but all-powerful authority
to move on and make way for the next new thing. She had moved with
every movement, and had proved her capacity to control herself when the
movement became uncontrollable. And then she had thought how worthy a
position in life would be that of the wife of the rector of a church
like St. Chad’s.
That idea had remained with her, as had already been said, for some
months, until, to be exact in regard to the date, the other young women,
whom she had been watching with interest, had bought their brilliant
blouses with the newest and, consequently, most abnormal sleeves,
casting aside the sober-hued bodices which they had worn in hope.
How paltry were all these aspirations, these undertakings!
That was what was dinning in her ears all the time Ella had been talking
in the carriage.
But why, why, why should all her previous interests, including the
consideration of the questions of orthodoxy and the other thing, seem so
ridiculously small while Ella was speaking?
That was the question which puzzled her. Had Ella shown her a way to
something better, something higher, something better worthy of the
aspiration of a woman? She could not say that that had been the drift of
her large discourse. What she had said had actually been puzzling in its
vagueness, its daring images--all images are vague; its allegories--all
allegories are indefinite.
And yet--and yet--and yet----
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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