A thing all consequence here takes the lead, Reigning knight-errant oer this dirty breed-- A bailiff he, and who so great to brag Of law and all its terrors as Bumtagg; Fawning a puppy at his master's side And frowning like a wolf on all beside; Who fattens best where sorrow worst appears And feeds on sad misfortune's bitterest tears? Such is Bumtagg the bailiff to a hair, The worshipper and demon of despair, Who waits and hopes and wishes for success At every nod and signal of distress, Happy at heart, when storms begin to boil, To seek the shipwreck and to share the spoil. Brave is this Bumtagg, match him if you can; For there's none like him living--save his man. As every animal assists his kind Just so are these in blood and business joined; Yet both in different colours hide their art, And each as suits his ends transacts his part. One keeps the heart-bred villain full in sight, The other cants and acts the hypocrite, Smoothing the deed where law sharks set their gin Like a coy dog to draw misfortune in. But both will chuckle oer their prisoners' sighs And are as blest as spiders over flies. Such is Bumtagg, whose history I resign, As other knaves wait room to stink and shine; And, as the meanest knave a dog can brag, Such is the lurcher that assists Bumtagg. _Nobody Cometh to Woo_ On Martinmas eve the dogs did bark, And I opened the window to see, When every maiden went by with her spark But neer a one came to me. And O dear what will become of me? And O dear what shall I do, When nobody whispers to marry me-- Nobody cometh to woo? None's born for such troubles as I be: If the sun wakens first in the morn "Lazy hussy" my parents both call me, And I must abide by their scorn, For nobody cometh to marry me, Nobody cometh to woo, So here in distress must I tarry me-- What can a poor maiden do? If I sigh through the window when Jerry The ploughman goes by, I grow bold; And if I'm disposed to be merry, My parents do nothing but scold; And Jerry the clown, and no other, Eer cometh to marry or woo; They think me the moral of mother And judge me a terrible shrew. For mother she hateth all fellows, And spinning's my father's desire, While the old cat growls bass with the bellows If eer I hitch up to the fire. I make the whole house out of humour, I wish nothing else but to please, Would fortune but bring a new comer To marry, and make me at ease! When I've nothing my leisure to hinder I scarce get as far as the eaves; Her head's instant out of the window Calling out like a press after thieves. The young men all fall to remarking, And laugh till they're weary to see't, While the dogs at the noise begin barking, And I slink in with shame from the street.