Friendship -- Fiction; Poor -- Fiction; Russia -- Social life and customs -- 1533-1917 -- Fiction
MY DEAR MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH--No, no, my friend, I must not go on living
near you. I have been thinking the matter over, and come to the
conclusion that I should be doing very wrong to refuse so good a post. I
should at least have an assured crust of bread; I might at least set to
work to earn my employers’ favour, and even try to change my character
if required to do so. Of course it is a sad and sorry thing to have to
live among strangers, and to be forced to seek their patronage, and to
conceal and constrain one’s own personality--but God will help me. I
must not remain forever a recluse, for similar chances have come my way
before. I remember how, when a little girl at school, I used to go home
on Sundays and spend the time in frisking and dancing about. Sometimes
my mother would chide me for so doing, but I did not care, for my heart
was too joyous, and my spirits too buoyant, for that. Yet as the evening
of Sunday came on, a sadness as of death would overtake me, for at nine
o’clock I had to return to school, where everything was cold and strange
and severe--where the governesses, on Mondays, lost their tempers, and
nipped my ears, and made me cry. On such occasions I would retire to a
corner and weep alone; concealing my tears lest I should be called lazy.
Yet it was not because I had to study that I used to weep, and in time I
grew more used to things, and, after my schooldays were over, shed tears
only when I was parting with friends... It is not right for me to live
in dependence upon you. The thought tortures me. I tell you this
frankly, for the reason that frankness with you has become a habit.
Cannot I see that daily, at earliest dawn, Thedora rises to do washing
and scrubbing, and remains working at it until late at night, even
though her poor old bones must be aching for want of rest? Cannot I also
see that YOU are ruining yourself for me, and hoarding your last kopeck
that you may spend it on my behalf? You ought not so to act, my friend,
even though you write that you would rather sell your all than let me
want for anything. I believe in you, my friend--I entirely believe in
your good heart; but, you say that to me now (when, perhaps, you have
received some unexpected sum or gratuity) and there is still the future
to be thought of. You yourself know that I am always ailing--that I
cannot work as you do, glad though I should be of any work if I could
get it; so what else is there for me to do? To sit and repine as I watch
you and Thedora? But how would that be of any use to you? AM I necessary
to you, comrade of mine? HAVE I ever done you any good? Though I am
bound to you with my whole soul, and love you dearly and strongly and
wholeheartedly, a bitter fate has ordained that that love should be all
that I have to give--that I should be unable, by creating for you
subsistence, to repay you for all your kindness. Do not, therefore,
detain me longer, but think the matter out, and give me your opinion on
it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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