"Oh, beam my life, my awl to me!" He cried, his flame addressing-- "If I 'adze such a love as yours, I'd ask no other blessing!" "I am rejoist to hear you speak," The maiden said with laughter-- "For tho' I hammer guileless girl, It's plane what you are rafter. Now if file love you just a bit, What further can you ax me? Can--will you be content with that, Or will you further tacks me?" He looked handsaw her words were square-- "No rival can displace me-- Yes, one more favor I implore, And that is, dear Em, brace me!" She came full chisel to his arms; It really made him stair To have her make a bolt for him Before he could prepare. He tried to screw his courage up, And did his level best To nail the matter then and there, While clasped unto her breast. Says he: "It augers well for me, All seems to hinge on this; And, what is mortise plane to see The porch child wants a kiss." He kissed her lip, he kissed her cheek, And called her his adoored-- He dons his claw-hammer next week, And she will share his board. _--Detroit Free Press._ WHERE THE OLD MAIDS COME IN. "Do you know, sir," inquired an American tourist of his companion, while doing England, "can you inform me the reason for the fresh, healthful appearance of the English people? Their complexion is far superior to ours, or our countrymen over the herring pond." "Well, I know what Prof. Huxley says." "And what reason does he advance?" "Well, Huxley says it is owing to the old maids." "Owing to old maids! You surprise me." "Fact. Huxley figures it out this way. Now, you know the English are very fond of roast beef." "But what has that to do with old maids?" "Go slow. This genuine English beef is the best and most nutritious beef in the world, and it imparts a beautiful complexion." "Well, about the old maids?" "Yes, you see the excellence of this English beef is due exclusively to red clover. Do you see the point?" "All but the old maids. They are still hovering in the shadows." "Why, don't you see? This red clover is enriched, sweetened, and fructified by bumble bees." "But where do the old maids come in?" said the inquisitive American, wiping his brow wearily. "Why, it is as plain as the nose on your face. The only enemy of the bumble bee is the field-mouse." "But what have roast beef, red clover, bumble-bees, and field-mice got to do with old maids?" "Why, you must be very obtuse. Don't you perceive that the bumble-bees would soon become exterminated by the field-mice if it were not for--" "Old maids?"