He was so reserved, so self-contained at first, that I wondered if he
was not perhaps just a beautiful piece of Teutonic machinery, until one
morning we steamed into a harbor where the company he served had met
with the most hideous ill luck. He pointed out to me the dismantled
hulls of two noble ships that had run ashore and were a total loss. One
of them had struck because it was impossible for anyone on board to know
that an earthquake had destroyed the lighthouse the day before; the
other lay tragically on its side among the breakers because the captain
had attempted to hit the channel in the dark without a pilot. The Fourth
had been on that ship at the time and, when he told me about it, I had
to occupy myself with my field glasses and pretend I didn’t know that
two large tears had welled up, slipped over and were finding their way
down his face. He had been off duty and asleep when the accident
happened, and knew nothing about it until the quartermaster woke him up,
told him, and said that the captain could not be found. In spite of the
fact that the captain’s room was dark, something impelled the Fourth to
enter.
“Just inside the door, my foot slipped on something,” he said, “and when
I turned on the light--”... Well, immediately after the accident the
captain had blown the top of his head off with a rifle.
“Under exactly the same circumstances would you have done the same
thing?” I asked the Fourth.
“Oh, yes,” he answered simply, “but I should have waited until I got all
the passengers safely on shore.” He was far from being a phlegmatic
German machine. As I grew to know him well I saw that he was high-strung
and nervous, that he was after all just twenty-four with the longings
and aspirations, the excellent discontent of an intelligent and spirited
boy. It was all there but it was under admirable control. It had been
trained to obey, and not to command, the Fourth.
His existence was in many ways an extremely lonely one, and all the more
so because it was passed within touching distance of a gay, rich,
pleasure-seeking crowd, with which, it was an understood thing by the
company, he was to have no friendly relations.
“On a long voyage like this, where we stop every few days and I stand
here on duty, it’s different. I can talk to people now and then and get
to know them, just as I know you, but on the seven-day trips across the
Atlantic I never speak to a soul. Often, when there are five or six
hundred passengers on board, I never even see one of them all the way
over. I’m either on the bridge, or asleep, or in my room, or on our own
deck. We’re supposed to stay on our own deck when we have nothing to
do.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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