MITCHENER (pepperily, rising). Obey your orders instantly, Sir, and dont
presume to argue. Even if she kills you, it is your duty to die for your
country. Right about face. March. (The Orderly goes out, trembling.)
THE VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! Votes for Women! Votes for Women!
MITCHENER (mimicking her). Votes for Women! Votes for Women! Votes for
Women! (in his natural voice) Votes for children! Votes for babies!
Votes for monkeys! (He posts himself on the hearthrug, and awaits the
enemy.)
THE ORDERLY (outside). In you go. (He pushes a panting Suffraget into
the room.) The person sir. (He withdraws.)
The Suffraget takes off her tailor made skirt and reveals a pair of
fashionable trousers.
MITCHENER (horrified). Stop, madam. What are you doing? You must not
undress in my presence. I protest. Not even your letter from the Prime
Minister--
THE SUFFRAGET. My dear Mitchener: I AM the Prime Minister. (He tears off
his hat and cloak; throws them on the desk; and confronts the General in
the ordinary costume of a Cabinet minister.)
MITCHENER. Good heavens! Balsquith!
BALSQUITH (throwing himself into Mitchener's chair). Yes: it is indeed
Balsquith. It has come to this: that the only way that the Prime
Minister of England can get from Downing Street to the War Office is
by assuming this disguise; shrieking "VOTES for Women"; and chaining
himself to your doorscraper. They were at the corner in force. They
cheered me. Bellachristina herself was there. She shook my hand and told
me to say I was a vegetarian, as the diet was better in Holloway for
vegetarians.
MITCHENER. Why didnt you telephone?
BALSQUITH. They tap the telephone. Every switchboard in London is in
their hands or in those of their young men.
MITCHENER. Where on Earth did you get that dress?
BALSQUITH. I stole it from a little Exhibition got up by my wife in
Downing Street.
MITCHENER. You dont mean to say its a French dress?
BALSQUITH. Great Heavens, no. My wife isnt allowed even to put on her
gloves with French chalk. Everything labelled Made in Camberwell. She
advised me to come to you. And what I have to say must be said here to
you personally, in the most intimate confidence, with the most urgent
persuasion. Mitchener: Sandstone has resigned.
MITCHENER (amazed). Old Red resigned!
BALSQUITH. Resigned.
MITCHENER. But how? Why? Oh, impossible! the proclamation of martial law
last Tuesday made Sandstone virtually Dictator in the metropolis, and to
resign now is flat desertion.
BALSQUITH. Yes, yes, my dear Mitchener; I know all that as well as you
do: I argued with him until I was black in the face and he so red
about the neck that if I had gone on he would have burst. He is furious
because we have abandoned his plan.
MITCHENER. But you accepted it unconditionally.
BALSQUITH. Yes, before we knew what it was. It was unworkable, you know.
MITCHENER. I dont know. Why is it unworkable?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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