[The ideal lady's pocket, that shall at once be accessible to its owner and defy the footpad's art, has yet to be invented.--_Wears of Tautologus._] My JULIA'S chaste and winsome cheer, Her comely lip, her coral ear, And eke her knickerbocker gear,-- These be the theme of rhyming folk, Whereof the skill I here invoke In malediction of her poke; In that it passeth human wit By sleight of hand withal to hit Upon the pathless track of it. Though JULIA'S self therein dispose' That napkin with the which she blows For sorry rheum her Greekish nose, Not if she search with heavy pain Shall she by taking thought attain To look upon the thing again; To him alone of mortal clay That picketh pokes beside the way Their deeps are open as the day. Whenas her alms she would disburse, In vain she probeth for her purse, Whereat the beggars shrewdly curse; Even so their teeth do felons gnash That lightly lift her ready cash, Which he that stealeth stealeth trash. Oft-times she doth full bravely hold Her breezy reticule of gold Within her digits' dainty fold; As certain maids, I well believe, Do wear th' affections on their sleeve For any worthless wight to reave. But though her purse not suffer rape, Mischance is like in other shape To put on her a saucy jape;-- If so my lady at the mart For very joyaunce of her heart Do purchase her a pasty tart, Let her not make essay to bring So beauteous and frail a thing Within her poke's encompassing; Lest, sitting down with weary stress, Unheedful of its buxomness, She make a right unseemly mess! Certes a man purblind may see For these offences needs must be Some comfortable remedy; Whoso deviseth such an one, I trow that his inventiòn Shall soothly pouch the peerless bun. * * * * * [Illustration: _Gertrude._ "MY DEAR JESSIE, WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT BICYCLE SUIT FOR?" _Jessie._ "WHY, TO WEAR, OF COURSE." _Gertrude._ "BUT YOU HAVEN'T GOT A BICYCLE!" _Jessie._ "NO; BUT I'VE GOT A SEWING MACHINE!"] * * * * * NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS. _Perplexed._--You are entirely in error in supposing that the member for Otley, Yorks, has, in accepting a baronetcy, descended from a higher estate. You have been deceived by similarity of sound. The hon. member was not of the same rank as a statesman (who we observe has just repaired to his country seat at Pinley Park, where he will entertain His Serene Highness the DUC DE SEIDLITZ-POUDRE) to whom Sir ROBERT PEEL used to allude in the House of Commons as "the noble Baron." In becoming Sir JOHN BARRAN, Bart., the member for Otley gains a distinct step in the social ladder.