"No bally fear! I _won't_ be a peer; I've given my bond," Says Sir Alfred Mond; "But it won't make me scunner If they elevate Brunner." "A belted earldom's far beyond My poor deserts: it _must be_ Mond. He's so distinguished, such a stunner In every sort of way," says Brunner. "As a thorough-going democrat I always travel steerage; I'd sooner eat my Sunday hat Than take a nasty Peerage; Such sops the snobbish crowd may soothe, But not yours truly, Handel Booth." "As a simple Knight I'm quite all right, But to make me a peer Would be rather queer; It might also disturb Sir George," says Sir Herb. "This time you've backed the winning horse, I'm bound to be a Duke, of course; But wait and see--the slightest hitch Might altogether queer my pitch; So mum's the word," says Little Tich. "The rumours of Our elevation Are totally without foundation. On peerages We turn Our backs, Signed with Our seal, _Revue_-King Max." "He that on frippery sets his heart May purchase titles such as Bart.; These garish gauds my spirit spurns, I'm greater as I am," says Burns. "Yon tale aboot ma Coronet Is comin' off, but not juist yet; Aw'm haudin' oot for somethin' smarter, For choice the Thistle or the Garter; Whichever ribbon is the broader A'll tak wi' joy," says Harry Lauder. * * * * * [Illustration: _Voice from Above (to individuals entering house with burglarious intent)._ "I say, you'd better come again after a while; we aren't all in bed yet."] * * * * * THE COMPLETE DRAMATIST. II.--Exits and Entrances. To the young playwright, the difficulty of getting his characters on to the stage would seem much less than the difficulty of finding them something to say when they are there. He writes gaily and without hesitation "_Enter_ Lord Arthur Fluffinose," and only then begins to bite the end of his penholder and gaze round his library for inspiration. Yet it is on that one word "Enter" that his reputation for dramatic technique will hang. Why did _Lord Arthur Fluffinose_ enter? The obvious answer, that the firm which is mentioned in the programme as supplying his trousers would be annoyed if he didn't, is not enough; nor is it enough to say that the whole plot of the piece hinges on him, and that without him the drama would languish. What the critic wants to know is why _Lord Arthur_ chose that very moment to come in--the very moment when _Lady Larkspur_ was left alone in the oak-beamed hall of Larkspur Towers. Was it only a coincidence? And if the young dramatist answers callously, "Yes," it simply shows that he has no feeling for the stage whatever. In that case I needn't go on with these articles. However, it will be more convenient to assume, dear reader, that in your play _Lord Arthur_ had a good reason for coming in. If that be so, he must explain it. It won't do to write like this:--