Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net * * * * * Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 105, October 28th 1893 _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ * * * * * MY LANDLORD. (_By a Tenant._) Who asked a rent absurdly high; Who never scrupled at a lie? The house well built! The soil so dry! My Landlord. Whose saving schemes cause constant fears The house will fall about my ears? I say it totters, and he sneers. My Landlord. The cellar's flooded when it rains; The ceilings show damp, mouldy stains. Who swindled me about the drains? My Landlord. Who called the house extremely nice? It's simply overrun with mice, The cook has had hysterics twice. My Landlord. Who praised the garden in a way To seem like Eden? I should say The soil is brickbats mixed with clay. My Landlord. Who said each kind of plant succeeds? Yet when I sow the choicest seeds They all develop into weeds. My Landlord. What's this? A note from him--a few Short lines to say the rent is due. Who tells me facts not new, if true? My Landlord. * * * * * A SUGGESTION.--A decoration for JABEZ BALFOUR,--"The Order of the Golden Fleece." * * * * * [Illustration: RECKLESS. _Moderate Swell._ "GOING TO TAKE A CAB?" _Immoderate Swell._ "ER--NO." _M. S._ "NO UMBRELLA, I SEE." _Imm. S._ "ER--NO, DEAR BOY. SEE--IF YOU--ER--CARRY 'BRELLA--LOOKS AS IF YOU'D ONLY ONE SUIT A CLOTHES!"] * * * * * MY TENANT. (_By a Landlord._) Who haggled long about the price; Who says my house is far from nice; Who seeks solicitor's advice? My Tenant. Who wants incessantly repairs To floors and ceilings, steps and stairs; Who doats on hygienic scares? My Tenant. Who lives in fear of sewer gas, So that the plumbers soon amass Vast sums, once mine? That utter ass, My Tenant. Eternally some fresh complaint; Distemper, whitewash, paper, paint! He is enough to vex a saint-- My Tenant. Who lets the garden go to pot? What used to be a pleasant spot Is worse than an allotment plot. My Tenant. Deferring payments suits his bent; When various demands I've sent; Unwillingly he pays the rent, My Tenant. A note from him? Another growl! Some chimney smokes, he wants a cowl. Thus he complains, that moping owl, My Tenant. * * * * * Mrs. R. says she always understood you must "catch your hare before you cook it;" so she cannot for the life of her make out what a friend of hers meant by telling her that "when their kitchen-maid cooked the hare _she caught it afterwards_!" * * * * * A DIARY À LA RUSSE.