Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Vol. 147 SEPTEMBER 9, 1914. CHARIVARIA. The _Deutsche Tageszeitung_ says:--"Our present war with England shall not be done by halves; it is no war to be stopped by 'notice,' but by a proper settlement. Otherwise the peace we all desire would be both rotten and dangerous." Your wish shall be respected, _Deutsche Tageszeitung_. * * * The fines which Germany has been imposing so lavishly on towns and provinces will, a commercial friend informs us, ultimately prove to be what are known in City circles as "temporary loans." * * * By the way, _The Globe_ tells us that the KAISER was once known to his English relatives as "The Tin Soldier." In view of his passion for raising tin by these predatory methods this title might be revived. * * * The German threat that they will make "_Gurken-salad_" of the Goorkhas, leaves these cheery little sportsmen undismayed. * * * We give the rumour for what it is worth. It is said that, overcome with remorse at the work of his vandals at Louvain, the KAISER has promised when the war is over to present the city with a colossal monument of himself. * * * Meanwhile President WILSON is being urged by innumerable tourist agencies in his country to stop the war before any more historical buildings are demolished. * * * A number of the more valuable of the pictures in the Louvre have, with a view to their safety, been placed in cellars. _La Gioconda_ is to be interned at an extra depth, as being peculiarly liable to be run away with. * * * Strangely enough, the most heroic single-handed feat of the war seems only to have been reported in one paper, _The Express_. We refer to the following announcement:-- "AUSTRIAN WARSHIP SUNK By J. A. SINCLAIR POOLEY _Express_ Correspondent." * * * It is stated that the German barque _Excelsior_, bound for Bremen with a valuable cargo, has been captured by one of our cruisers. It speaks well for the restraint of our Navy that, with so tempting a name, she was not blown up. * * * A proposal has been made in _The Globe_ that all "alien enemies" in this country shall be confined within compounds until the end of the War. Suggested alteration in the National Anthem: "Compound his enemies." * * * "Carry on" is no doubt an admirable motto for these times, but the Special Constable who was surprised by his wife while carrying on with a cook (which he thought to be part of his professional duty) complains that it is misleading. * * * We hear that some of our Nuts have volunteered to serve as regimental pets. * * * Partridge shooting began last week, but poor sport is recorded. The birds declare that it is not their fault. They turned up in large numbers, but there were not enough guns to make it worth while.