THE UNIVERSAL VENT. (_For Vacuity, Vanity, Verbosity, Virulence, and Venom._) IF you've been burning the midnight taper, And of new policies deem yourself shaper; If at the world you're a green-gosling gaper, Or of old "JUNIUS," juvenile aper; Bumptious Scotch Duke, or irate Irish Draper, Crammed with conceit, which must publicly caper; Angry old woman, or frivolous japer; Thraso or termagant, Tadpole or Taper, To blow off your steam, or your gas, or your vapour, There's one fool-loved fashion--'tis _write to the paper!_ * * * * * "I AM in a state of suspense," said a Clergyman. "I am sorry to hear it," replied his friend. "Why are you suspended?" [Illustration: PROPER PRIDE. _He._ "WASN'T THAT THE COUNTESS OF MOHAIR THAT JUST WENT BY? I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME SHE WAS A FRIEND OF YOURS!" _She._ "OH, WE MEET OCCASIONALLY, AND ALL THAT,--BUT I'VE REALLY BEEN OBLIGED TO _DROP_ LADY MOHAIR, I'M SORRY TO SAY!" _He._ "DEAR ME,--REALLY! WHAT FOR?" _She._ "OH, WELL,--SHE ALWAYS DELIBERATELY TURNS HER BACK ON ME WHEN I TRY TO SPEAK TO HER, AND LOOKS ANOTHER WAY WHEN I BOW, OR ELSE COOLLY STARES ME IN THE FACE AND TAKES NO NOTICE WHATEVER,--SO NOW I MAKE A POINT OF _CUTTING HER DEAD_!"] * * * * * A PILGRIM'S PROGRESS. (_Fragments of a Discourse, delivered under the similitude of a Dream, but of symbolic and purely secular significance._) * * * * * Now, at the end of this Valley of Obstruction was another, called the Valley of the Shadow of Disunion; and the Pilgrim must needs go through it, because the way to the Plain of Progress and the Pinnacle of Passage lay through the midst of it. Now this Valley is a very perilous place,--a place where none care to dwell, and which few attain to pass through. And here the Pilgrim was worse put to it than in his previous encounter with the Apollyon of Obstruction. I saw then in my dream that when the Pilgrim was got to the borders of the Shadow of Disunion, there met him certain men, aforetime his fellow-travellers, making haste to go back; to whom the Pilgrim spake as follows:--- _Pilgrim._ Whither are you going? _Men._ Back again! And we would have you do so too, if either life, peace, or honour is prized by you. _Pilgrim._ Why, what's the matter? _Men._ Matter? We were going that way as you are going, and went as far as we durst; and indeed we were almost past coming back. _Pilgrim._ But what have you met with? _Men._ Why, we were almost in the Valley of the Shadow of Disunion, where abide Disruption, Dishonour, and Disaster, but that, by good hap, keeping a BRIGHT look-out, we looked before us, and saw the danger ere we came to it. _Pilgrim._ But what have you seen?