SUB SILENTIO.--(1) A dog's chief value is conversational. At afternoon teas such an animal is a wonderful resource after you have exhausted the picture-shows, the theatres, and all the scandals. You can lead off about his pedigree. "He's champion bred on both sides," always sounds well. A funny man is sure to say, "Champion bread-and-butter you mean. Ha! ha!" at the same time offering the animal some from the tea-table, to mark his point. This may be previously arranged, if you prefer it. Throw in a few stories about his wonderful intelligence in distinguishing the baker's boy from the mistress of the house, to the detriment of the former, and wind up by narrating how he once found his way home to Piccadilly from Pekin. All dogs do this in one way or another, so you will be quite safe. Then everybody else contributes his own special Spectatorial dog-story, and your tea will pass off without a dull or an accurate moment. * * * * * HOW NOT TO DO IT. (_Act from a Farce ready for Performance pending the settlement of the Labour Question._) SCENE--_Interior of a Provided Work Office._ Benevolent Organiser _discovered looking over a list_. _Ben. Org._ Yes, I think this will do very well indeed. New pump, fresh road. Ought to keep them going comfortably through the rest of the winter. (_Enter_ Unemployed.) Well, my good man, and what do you want? _Unemployed_ (_in a whining tone_). Me and my mates, Sir, are out of work. It's no fault of ours, and---- _Ben. Org._ Well, we will see what we can do. _Unem._ Thankee kindly, Sir, I'm sure 'arf a sufferin, or even 'arf a dollar---- _Ben. Org._ (_ignoring this suggestion_). Now, let me see--what's your trade? _Unem._ A watch-maker. So you see, as the Press says, you can't send me to mend roads, or build pumps. _Ben. Org._ No, no. I have overlooked your class. But stay--I think I can forward you to a friend. Let me see, what time is it? (_Produces watch, and lets it fall._) Dear me! It has stopped, as I live! (_With vivacity._) My dear fellow, here is a chance for you. You shall mend it. _Unem._ (_freshening up_). Only too pleased to take your watch. [_Possesses himself of the time-piece, and exit hurriedly._ [Illustration] _Enter_ Constable _with_ Unemployed _in custody_. _Constable._ This your watch, Sir? _Unem._ (_rapidly_). Which was given to me by the kind gentleman to mend. But I gladly return it, as me and my mates have determined not to do any more work for fear that we should injure our brothers who are doing nothing. [_Exit._ _Constable._ Lucky I kept my eye upon him, Sir. If I hadn't, you would never have seen him again--nor your watch either. _Ben. Org._ Is there so much guile in the world?