Plod on through the sand-wastes of Fact, Long level of gritty aridity; With pompous conceit make a pact, Be bondsman to bald insipidity; Be slab as a black Irish bog, Slow, somnolent, stupid, and stodgy; Plunge into sophistical fog, And the realms of the dumpishly dodgy. With trump elephantine and slow, Tread on through word-swamps, dank and darkling; But no, most decidedly _no_, You must _not_ be sparkling! Be just as unjust as you like, A conscienceless, 'cute special-pleader; As spiteful as _Squeers_ was to _Smike_, (You may often trace _Squeers_ in a "leader.") Impute all the vileness you can, Poison truth with snake-venom of fable, Be fair--as is woman to man, And kindly--as CAIN was to ABEL. Suggest what is false in a sneer, Suppress what is true by confusing; Be sour, stale, and flat as small-beer, But _don't_ be amusing! Party zealots will pardon your spite, If against their opponents it sputters, The way a (word) foeman to fight, Is to misrepresent all he utters. That does not need wisdom or wit, (Ye poor party-scribes, what a blessing!) No clean knightly sword, but a spit Is the weapon for mangling and messing; Wield that, like a cudgel-armed rough Blent with ruthless bravo,--such are numerous!-- Lie, slander, spout pitiful stuff, But--beware of the humorous! For if you should fall into fun, You might lapse into manly good-nature, And then--well _your_ course would be run! No,--study up spleen's nomenclature; Learn all the mad logic of hate, And then, though your style be like skilly, Your sense frothy Styx in full spate. And your maxims portentously silly; You will find party scope for your pen, Coin meanness and malice to money; _But_ sour dulness must keep to his den, And _never_ be funny. * * * * * [Illustration: THE FOX AND THE GUINEA-PIGS.] THE FOX AND THE GUINEA-PIGS. _(A Financial Fable.)_ ["There are dozens of Companies now existing with the Duke of PUFFBALL, Sir BONUS BARE-ACRES, Bart., Major GUINEA PIG, M.P., and the like, figuring upon the Board of Directors. A short, but drastic Act, making all such figureheads directly responsible, would go far to prevent similar occurrences, and to abolish a delusive, if not a fraudulent system."--_Herbert T. Reid's Letter to the Times_.]