Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Volume 104, March 25th 1893 edited by Sir Francis Burnand [Illustration: THE PANGS OF MATRIMONY!!! _Casual Acquaintance._ "HEAR YOU'RE TO BE MARRIED, MR. RIBBES. CONGRATULATE YOU!" _Mr. Ribbes._ "MUCH OBLIGED, BUT I DUNNO SO MUCH ABOUT CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S CORSTIN' ME A PRETTY PENNY, I TELL YER. MRS. RIBBES AS IS TO BE, SHE WANTS 'ER _TROUSSEAU_, YER KNOW; AN' THEN THERE'S THE FURNISHIN', AN' THE LICENCE, AN' THE PARSON'S FEES; AN' THEN I 'AVE TO GIVE 'ER AN' 'ER SISTER A BIT O' JOOL'RY A-PIECE; AN' WOT WITH ONE THING AN' ANOTHER --SHE'S A 'EAVY WOMAN, YER KNOW, THIRTEEN STUN ODD--WELL, I RECKON SHE'LL 'A CORST ME PRETTY NEAR _TWO-AN'-ELEVEN A POUND_ AFORE I GIT 'ER 'OME!"] * * * * * SMALL BY DEGREES. _A Story of Defiance not Defence._ There was once a Battalion of Volunteers with its full complement of field, company, and non-commissioned officers, and rank and file. And according to experts the Regiment was a most valuable addition to the national defence. One day a General, covered over with gold lace and wearing a cocked hat, rode up to the Colonel and called him out. "Colonel," said the General, "we are thinking of giving over your command to a C.O. of a Depot Centre. It won't interfere with you much and give you less to do. You may still call yourself Colonel--not that I call you so myself. I mean off parade." But the Colonel did not seem to see it, and so he sent in his papers and rode away. Then the General from the War Office called up the two remaining Field Officers. "Majors" said he, "it seems to us we can help you a good deal by appointing a Major from a service battalion as Adjutant. Then you can rank beneath him, and he can look after you and the two half battalions you each of you are supposed to command. You may still call yourselves Majors--not that I call you so myself. I mean off parade." But the Majors did not seem to see it, so they sent in _their_ papers too. Then the General from the War Office called up the Company Officers. "Gentlemen," said he, "we shall continue the snubbing, of which you have had so much experience. You will do all sorts of new work, and go to all sorts of fresh expense in the near future. Not that it will increase your dignity--not a bit of it. However, you may still call yourselves Captains and Lieutenants--not that I call you so myself. I mean off parade." But the Company Officers did not seem to see it, so they sent in their papers and marched away. Then the General from the War Office called up the rest of the Regiment. "Now, Non-commissioned Officers and Men," said he, "you have no one to command you, and no one to pay for your marches out, prizes, and the rest of it. But don't let that bother you. You may still call yourselves Soldiers--not that I call you so myself. I mean off parade."