* * * * * BOOKED AT THE LYCEUM BOX-OFFICE.--Four nights a week _Becket_ is given. Programme is varied on the other two nights. A simple gentleman said to the Clerk at the Box-Office, "I want two stalls." _The Clerk._ "_For Becket?_" "No," returned the simple one; "for _me_." * * * * * SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. DEAR MR. PUNCH,--From a communication to one of the daily papers, it appears that "a hundred ladies and gentlemen who find the works of HENDRIK IBSEN (perhaps not all for exactly the same reasons, but who agree in finding them) among the most interesting productions of the modern theatre, have guaranteed the estimated expenses of a series of twelve performances, at which three of IBSEN'S plays will be presented." This arrangement is carried out by "each guarantor receiving in seats at the current theatrical prices the full value of his subscription," as "the State will not subsidize a theatre, and no millionnaire seems inclined to endow one." This is clear enough, but it has occurred to me that, as after the first few performances there may be a goodly number of untenanted seats, it would be as well to provide auxiliary aid to fill them. It would scarcely be fair to call upon the guarantors to pay the audience to be present at the "entertainments" provided for their amusement. And yet, unless the houses are good, the actors will not do themselves justice, and the plays of HENDRIK IBSEN will suffer in consequence. I fear that it would be revolting to humanity to insist upon the attendance of the less intelligent inmates of the Asylum for Idiots, and yet here would be an appropriate path out of the difficulty. Under the circumstances, could not the State (with the aid of a short Act of Parliament) still render assistance? I see no reason why thieves and other dishonest characters should not have a portion of their sentences remitted on condition that they attended the IBSEN performances. Such an arrangement would save the rate-payers the expense of the prisoners' keep. The audience I have suggested would also be free from temptation, for when they were assisting at a representation of one of IBSEN'S plays, I venture to believe they would find nothing worth stealing. A PRACTICAL MAN. * * * * * [Illustration: WASTED IRONY. "WHO'S THAT DOWN-STAIRS, JANE?"--"SOME FRIENDS OF MINE, MA'AM." "BUT YOU HAD SOME FRIENDS YESTERDAY, JANE!"--"YES, MA'AM." "AND ON MONDAY NIGHT!"--"YES, MA'AM." "DON'T YOU THINK YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A REGULAR DAY AT HOME EACH WEEK?"--"THANK YOU, MA'AM! THAT WILL BE VERY NICE!"] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.