Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOLUME 105, August 5th 1893 _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ THE DIRECTOR'S VADE MECUM. _Question._ What is your duty as a Director? _Answer._ To give my name to a prospectus. _Q._ Is there any necessary formality before making this donation? _A._ Yes; I am to accept a certain number of qualifying shares in the company obtaining the advantage of my directorial services. _Q._ Need you pay for these shares? _A._ With proper manipulation, certainly not. _Q._ What other advantages would you secure by becoming a Director? _A._ A guinea an attendance. _Q._ Anything else? _A._ A glass of sherry and a sandwich. _Q._ What are your duties at a Board Meeting? _A._ To shake hands with the Secretary, and to sign an attendance book. _Q._ What are your nominal duties? _A._ Have not the faintest idea. _Q._ Would it be right to include in your nominal duties the protection of the interests of the shareholders? _A._ As likely as not. _Q._ Would it be overstating the case to say that thousands and thousands of needy persons are absolutely ruined by the selfish inattention of a company's direction? _A._ Not at all--possibly understating it. _Q._ I suppose you never read a prospectus to which you put your name? _A._ Never. _Q._ Nor willingly wish to ruin any one? _A._ No; why should I? _Q._ You are guilty of gross ignorance and brutal indifference? _A._ Quite so. _Q._ And consequently know that, according to the view of the Judges, you are above the law? _A._ That is so. _Q._ And may therefore do what you like, without any danger to your own interests? _A._ To be sure. _Q._ And consequently will do what you best please, in spite of anything, and anybody? _A._ Why, certainly. * * * * * [Illustration: DIFFERENCE OF OPINION. _Stern Parent._ "NO WONDER YOU LOOK SO SEEDY AND FIT FOR NOTHING. I HEAR YOU CAME HOME SO VERY LATE LAST NIGHT!" _Youth (who is having his fling)._ "BEG YOUR PARDON, DAD, I DID NOTHING OF THE SORT. I CAME HOME VERY EARLY!"] * * * * * At a meeting of the International Maritime Congress "M. GATTO read a paper on Harbour Lights." Does this mean that one of the Adelphoi GATTI read the paper (extract from the play, or perhaps a play-bill) on _Harbour Lights_, which was an Adelphi success? Of course one of "the GATTI'S" would be in the singular "M. GATTO." The paper was much applauded, and GATTO _prends le gateau_. * * * * * FROM SPIRIT LAND.--The Spirits or Spooks from the vasty deep that can be called and will come when Stead-ily and persistently summoned will not be the first to speak. The "Spooks" well-bred rule of politeness is, "Don't spook till you're spooken to." Also, "A good Spook must be seen and not heard." * * * * *