Alma _Mater_ of Comedy truly's the "Dorter," Where long may each _rôle_ find a youthful supporter! If ever from "college" they're driven away, The Queen's Scholars' fate were "All work and no Play!" * * * * * SEASONABLE DUETT FOR THE ZIERENBERGS (_adapted for their use by Henry Labouchere, Esq., M.P._). "Home, Home, Home, Sweet Home!" * * * * * TOAST FOR THE INHOSPITABLE.--"Friends--_at a distance!_" * * * * * [Illustration: "SPEED THE PARTING GUEST." "SO YOU AND GEORGE HAVE BEEN STAYING WITH MY DEAR OLD FRIENDS SIR ISAAC AND LADY LINCRUSTA WALTON! DIDN'T YOU FIND THEM VERY NICE TO YOU?" "YES; ESPECIALLY WHEN WE WERE LEAVING!"] * * * * * A MESSAGE FROM THE SEA. _Father Neptune loquitur_:-- John Bull, my friend, if an ear you'll lend to your true old messmate Neptune, It may do you good. We are mates in mood, and our hearts have always kept tune. The Isle that's right, and extremely tight-- which I trust that mayn't mean "groggy"-- Is our care, old chum! Well, the outlook's rum, and the prospect rather foggy! Oh! keep on your hair! There's no cause for Scare, though some party men, and papers, Do their best to raise a new Naval Craze. These be old, old party capers; For your angry Outs _always_ swell with doubts, whilst the Cocksure Ins, complacent, Swear that cause for care may be found-- Nowhere, or the parts thereto adjacent. You are not so green that mere party spleen, and the bogus bosh of boobies, Can play the fool with your judgment cool; 'tis a richer dower than rubies. Still a Fleet, old boy, is no party toy, no theme for factious scoffing, And--well, JOHN, I spot a tremendous lot of "furrin'" ships in the offing! Keep a weather eye upon sea and sky, and I think JOHN, altogether, You will deem it right to get all things tight, and prepare for dirty weather. "Britons never, never," sounds bold and clever; Britannia won't act as "slavey," But if "Missus" would keep her "home on the deep," you _must_ keep up a spanking Navy! Statistics fog, and there's no such bog as the brain of an average Briton When his Naval Nobs, and Finance Dry Bobs have got their fighting fit on. They talk great bosh, half their "facts" won't wash, and as to their figures endless,-- If from stern to stem you could see through _them_ you would _have_ more, JOHN, and _spend_ less! A word in your lug! There is no Hum-bug like that of a Naval Oracle, When he's "out in the wet"; on that you may bet--ah! an ironclad to a coracle! He _may_ mean well, but The Truth to tell in a fashion straight and steady, Without "cavort" or a "list to port," is as hard--as song to a Neddy! JOHNNY, old boy, you must just employ