The jemmies, and revolvers, too, Will doubtless prove enthralling, And all the implements we'll view With which these scientists pursue Their fascinating calling; The most efficient type of gag To silence all intrusion, The latest kind of carpet-bag Wherein to bear the bulky "swag" To some remote seclusion. Then, by this exhibition's aid, The art will spread to others, And those who ply this busy trade Will, in a year or two, be made A noble band of brothers. The thief of olden time we'll see As seldom as the dodo; The burglar's future aim will be To join the _fortiter in re_ And _suaviter in modo_! * * * * * THE MOST UNPARDONABLE "MISUSE OF WORDS."--Making after-dinner speeches. * * * * * CONVERSION A LA MODE. SCENE--_A Government Office. A_ Government Official _discovered_. _To him enter a_ Petitioner. _Petitioner._ I really think, Sir, that the time has arrived for a grant. _Official._ Impossible, my dear Sir, impossible. I can assure you the reports are greatly exaggerated. _Pet._ But do you know that the ports cannot properly be guarded without further financial assistance? _Off._ Very likely; at least, that may be the general opinion. PET. And Science could be far more certain did the funds permit--you are aware of that? _Off._ Faddists never consider the cost of anything. _Pet._ And I suppose you are aware that it is marching towards the metropolis? _Off._ When it gets there it will be time to consider the situation. _Pet._ Then you have not heard of the recent affair in Westminster? _Off._ In Westminster! Why that is close to the Houses of Parliament! _Pet._ And if I tell you that it has been traced to the Lobby of the Commons. _Off._ Don't say another word, my dear Sir, not another word. What, appeared in the House of Commons! Why, several millions shall be granted at once! [_Scene closes in upon preparations of the most active character._ * * * * * ANNOUNCEMENT.--_The Heavenly Twins_ has had a success. It will be followed by a treatise on gout by Mrs. SARAH GAMP, M.D., to be entitled _The Uneavenly Twinge._ * * * * * "SOCIAL TEST-WORDS." [An American writer in _The Critic_ has an article on this subject.]