Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 107. JULY 14, 1894. THE DIURNAL FEMININE. Let others read the "latest news" Our daily papers offer, Take pleasure in the smart reviews And chuckle with the scoffer, Enjoy the leaders, or appraise The newest "Labour Crisis," Or smile to learn, that Brighton A's Maintain their recent prices. I only find such trifles vex, I do not seek instruction Upon the blemishes which X. Perceives in Y.'s production, And stocks may fall like anything, They'll not affect my fate, or Compel less cheerfully to sing This _vacuus viator_. The reason why I daily make My sacrifice of pennies, Is merely for a column's sake Which scarce, perhaps, for men is, And yet it elevates, refines, It stirs the noblest passions, That article whose moving lines Are headed "Latest Fashions." What joy to ascertain in print The latest mode in dresses, To learn the new artistic tint Adopted by Princesses, To roam the galleries with her Whose eulogies and strictures To hats and dress alone refer, And never deal with pictures! Let troubles still oppress the State With all their usual rigour, Let politicians still debate With undiminished vigour, Of such the common person reads, But give to _me_ the papers That chronicle at length the deeds Of milliners and drapers! * * * * * STATE AID FOR MATRIMONY. (_By a University Extensionist._) DEAR MR. PUNCH,--What a charming little theatre that is at Burlington House! I missed you at the _matinées_ there a few days ago. Of course you know the Travelling Provincial Company of the Universities' Guild for the Extension of High-Class Comedy? Well, they visited the Metropolis for their coming-of-age, and gave the new extravaganza of _Hodge, B. Sc._, or _The Vision of Peers and the Plowman_. This had nothing to do with _Jupiter, LL. D._, though no fewer than three noble Chancellors took a leading part at the different performance. After all it was nothing but a dished-up version of the old play of _Gentleman Geordie_, or _The Cultured Collier_; only the pitman business is a little played out, and the victim of Agricultural Enlightment is just now the vogue, thanks to the County Councils.