Twenty years ago at Henley-on-the-Thames, While the gems Of the season simply sparkled into cheers, (Little dears!) I endeavoured to secure the Ladies' Plate; Though of late I have been the painful object of remark In a barque; But the circuit of my waist was not as yet Fifty, nett; And I fancy I was feeling pretty fit; That was it. _Then_ I fed on oaten fare and milky slops, Steaks and chops; Never, never looked a lobster in the face, And the race Saw me down to just eleven at the scales, Hard as nails; _Now_ I very much prefer to view the hunt From a punt, Or a houseboat, or an ark, or any sort Of support, While I minimise the necessary strain With champagne. At the yearly celebration it's the rule, Hot or cool, For a girl with yellow eyes and eager hair To be there, By a mass of mayonnaise and pigeon-pie; So am I! Oh the glory of the battle past recall! After all, What with hearts that freely wobble, stitch that stabs, And the crabs, And the quicken up to forty round the chest-- Lunch is best! * * * * * [Illustration: MODESTY. _Housewife._ "WELL, IF I GIVE YOU SOME BREAKFAST, YOU'LL HAVE TO EARN IT BY CHOPPING SOME WOOD FOR ME." _Tramp._ "I'D LIKE TER 'BLIGE YER, LADY. BUT, BLESHYER 'ART, 'TAIN'T FER THE LIKES O' ME TER FOLLER IN THE FOOTSTEPS O' MR. GLADSTONE!"] * * * * * SPECIALLY-ARRANGED MOTTO FOR THE VICTORIA STEAMBOAT ASSOCIATION'S NEW VESSEL "THE PALM."--"_Palma, quæ meruit, ferat_,"--(_i.e._, Let _The Palm_ carry as many as she was constructed to carry, and not more). * * * * * Old Loves for New. (_New Version of an Old Song._) _If_ 'tis good to be merry and wise, _If_ 'tis good to be honest and true, Then 'tis good to keep on with the old "Woman," And carefully keep off the New: For of honesty, truthfulness, wisdom, _and_ mirth, The "New Woman" shows a most plentiful dearth. * * * * * The German Derby (61,000 marks) was won at Hamburg by Baron MÜNCHAUSEN'S _Spider_. The Baron has done many wonderful things in his lifetime (_vide_ the history of his adventures), and it was a foregone conclusion that if he ran a horse at the Derby he was bound not only to win, but to make something more than his mark. * * * * * LYRE AND LANCET. (_A Story in Scenes._) PART II.--SELECT PASSAGES FROM A COMING POET.