I essay to enter. The policeman stops me. I say, "One pound?" and I offer to him one sov. He looks all around, and then he says, quite low, "No good, Sir--the inspector's looking." I say, "She is good, that pound there, I assure you of it. Is there two to pay?" And I hold one other. Then the inspector comes and says I bribe the policeman. I say that no. He says that yes. I am furious. I say I pay the entrance. He says, "Get off the course." I refuse. He pushes me. I resist. Other policemen push me. Just heaven, they force me to go! I cannot resist. Then all the people in face cry furiously. They shout "Welshman!" How they are stupid! Can they think that I am a Welshman--me, AUGUSTE? Ah, that it is droll! Then the policemen run, and I run also. I wish not to run, but I am forced. And, in fine, we are at the railway station, and they put me in a train, and I arrive to London at three o'clock. See there all that I have seen of your races of Ascot, and I have paid one sov. It costs very dear. Sincere friendships, AUGUSTE. * * * * * [Illustration: "HONEY, MY HONEY!" _Chinaman._ "MUCH OBLIGED TO YOU FOR THIS LITTLE ADVANCE; BUT I'M AFRAID I SHALL WANT SOME MORE SOON." _Bear_ (_aside_). "SO SHALL I! A GOOD DEAL MORE--FROM _YOU_." [_Hums "Oh, honey, MY honey!"_ ] * * * * * [Illustration: HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE. _Auntie._ "ARCHIE, RUN UP TO THE HOUSE, AND FETCH MY RACKET. THERE'S A DEAR!" _Archie_ (_preparing to depart_). "ALL RIGHT. BUT I SAY, AUNTIE, DON'T LET ANYBODY TAKE MY SEAT, WILL YOU?"] * * * * * [Illustration] THE MAN AND THE MAID. (_Up-to-date "Biking" Version._) "Where are you going, young Man?" cried the Maid. "I'm going a cycling, Miss!" he said. "May I come with you, young Man?" asked the Maid. "Why. ye-e-es, if you feel like it, Miss!" he said. "But--why do I find you like Man arrayed?" "Oh, knickers are cumfy, young Man!" she said. "But the boys will chevvy you, Miss, I'm afraid!" "What does _that_ matter, young Man?" she said. "Are you a Scorcher, young Man?" asked the Maid. "Nothing so vulgar, fair Miss!" he said. "Then I don't think much of you!" mocked the Maid. "Neither does 'ARRY, sweet Miss!" he said. "What is your ideal, young Man?" said the Maid. "A womanly Woman, fair Miss" he said. "Then _I_ can't marry you, Sir!" cried the Maid. "Thank heaven for _that_, manly Miss!" he said. * * * * * A RULE OF CONDUCT. You _say_ to a man what you _couldn't_ write to him; and you _write_ to a man what you _wouldn't_ say to him.--JAMES THE TRAN-QUILL PENMAN, J.P. * * * * * SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.