PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 108. MARCH 30, 1895. [Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS." No. IX.--AWKWARD POSITION OF HIPPOLICEMAN AMONG THE WILD BULLS AND BEARS IN THROGMORTON STREET. (_Vide Papers, March 22._)] * * * * * AN ELECTION ADDRESS. [Mr. RIDER HAGGARD has become the accepted Conservative candidate for a Norfolk constituency. The following is understood to be an advance copy of his Address.] Intelligent electors, may I venture to present Myself as an aspirant for a seat in Parliament? The views of those opponents who despise a novelist, Are but the foggy arguments of People of the Mist! No writer, I assure you, can produce a better claim, A greater versatility, a more substantial fame; My candidature, though opposed by all the yellow gang, Has won the hearty sympathy of Mr. ANDREW LANG. And if what my opinions are you'd really like to know, They're issued at a modest price by LONGMANS, GREEN, & CO.; The Eight Hours Bill, for instance, I'm prepared to speak upon From a practical acquaintance with the Mines of Solomon. Whatever my intentions as to Woman's Rights may be, I yield to none in honouring the great immortal She; While, as to foreign policy, though Blue Books make you yawn, You'll find the subject treated most attractively in _Dawn_. When I am placed in Parliament, I'll speak with fluent skill, And show (like Mr. MEESON) I've a most effective will; And if there is a special point for which I mean to fight, It is for legislation to protect my copyright. If chance debate to matters in South Africa should tend, My anecdotes will cause the Speaker's wig to stand on end; And if an opportunity occurs, I'll rouse the lot By perorating finely in impassioned Hottentot! So, Gentlemen, I beg you, let my arguments prevail, Shame would it be if such a cause through apathy should fail, Shame on the false elector who his honest duty shirks! Believe me, Yours. The Author of _She_, _Dawn_, and other works. * * * * * SUGGESTED REVIVAL OF AN OLD FORM OF PUNISHMENT FOR FUTURE OBSTRUTIONIST SPECULATORS IN THROGMORTONIAN KAFFIR LAND.--"Put 'em in the Stocks." * * * * * "WHEN ARTHUR FIRST AT COURT."