["Neckties made of aluminium have just been invented in Germany."--_Evening Paper._] Visited my tailor's puddling works to-day. He has some really neat new pig-iron fabrics for the season. I am thinking of trying his Bessemer steel indestructible evening-dress suits. Really this new plan of mineral clothing comes in very usefully when one is attacked by roughs on a dark night. Floored an assailant most satisfactorily with a touch of my lead handkerchief. The only objection I can find to my aluminium summer suiting is its tendency to get red hot if I stand in the sun for five minutes. I think I can now safely defy my laundress to injure my patent safety ironclad steel shirts. I find, however, that there is no need of a laundress at all. When one's linen is soiled, sand-paper and a mop will clean it in no time. My frock-coat has got a nasty kink in it; must send it to be repaired at the smelting furnace. * * * * * ONCE CUT DON'T COME AGAIN!--It was said by _The Figaro_ last week that Japan would demand "an extra payment of one hundred millions of taels by China." But surely a hundred million Chinamen would evince a pig-headed obstinacy in parting with, or being parted from, their "tails" on any consideration. * * * * * "A LIGHTSHIP SUNK."--Impossible! couldn't have been a lightship, it must have been a very heavy ship. * * * * * [Illustration: _Daughter_ (_enthusiastically_). "OH, MAMMA! I _MUST_ LEARN BICYCLING! SO DELIGHTFUL TO GO AT SUCH A PACE!" _Mamma_ (_severely_). "NO THANK YOU, MY DEAR; YOU ARE _QUITE_ 'FAST' ENOUGH ALREADY!"] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. _House of Commons, Monday, May 6._--Welsh Disestablishment Bill on. So is The Man from Shropshire. STANLEY LEIGHTON, as GEORGE TREVELYAN pointed out long ago, is irresistibly like the ruined Chancery Suitor of _Bleak House_. Always dashing into debate as The Man from Shropshire broke in on the business of the Court of Chancery. "Mr. Chairman!" he shouts, and waves his arms, as The Man from Shropshire cried aloud, "My lord! My lord!" and tried to seize the Lord Chancellor by wig or neck. After first ebullition, our Man from Shropshire quietens down. Argues with gravity of tone and manner that seem to imply he has something to say. Turns out he hasn't; but, on the Welsh Disestablishment Bill, that no matter. [Illustration: The Joys of Office. "Speaker! Hats off, Strangers!"]