PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 109. AUGUST 3, 1895. THE NAVAL MANOEUVRES. (_By our Special Expert, who has been accorded the customary courtesy extended to the Press._) _On board H.M.S. ----. ---- the --th, 1895._ Forgive me for the vagueness of my address, but it is the desire of those in command that the greatest secrecy should be observed as to our movements. "Are we the Blue Fleet or the Red?" I asked only a few moments ago of one of the chief commanders. "As you are the guest of the Government," was the immediate reply, "you will not be allowed to pay your money--except indirectly to the collector of Revenue; but there is nothing to prevent you from taking your choice!" From this response you will see that there is a strong inclination on the part of the authorities that are to remain reticent. However, it is only fair to say that the food is excellent. Nothing could be better than the wine; and the view on the quarter deck is capital. Still, this is scarcely an account of naval manoeuvring--now is it? Well, I think I may reveal this much. There are two fleets--a Red Fleet and a Blue Fleet. The Red Fleet has a number of ships--so has the Blue. Then the Red Fleet tries to out-manoeuvre the Blue Fleet, and the Blue Fleet returns the compliment. All this takes place on the sea. No ship is allowed to run on shore--unless of course by force of circumstances outside the control of the commander. And when I had got as far as this, I thought I would make a further inquiry. "I presume," said I, to one of the chief officials, "that our object is to----" At this point I was interrupted. "Pray ask no more," was the prompt reply of the veteran I had questioned. "Take my advice. If you wish a question answered, answer it for yourself. Arrange in your own mind that 'Heads' shall mean 'Yes,' and the reverse a negative. Then toss." And so now I am taking the advice I have received. I have spun my sixpence in the air. I am to write no more to you. All refuse to send my communications for me. So I place this document in a bottle and throw it into the sea. You desired the fullest information about the naval manoeuvres. Well--I wish you may get it! * * * * * [Illustration: NOTHING LIKE BEING READY WITH AN EXCUSE. _Elderly Skittish Cousin, "OH, HOW UNKIND OF YOU TO HAVE LEFT ME OUT OF YOUR _BEAUTIFUL_ PARTY! YOU SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN I'M YOUR _FIRST COUSIN_!" _He_ (_with no end of near but not very dear relatives_). "SO VERY SORRY! FIRST COUSIN--AH, YES." (_Recovering himself._) "SO LONG AGO, YOU KNOW.... HAD YOU BEEN MY _LAST_ COUSIN, THIS _NEVER COULD_ HAVE OCCURRED!"] * * * * *