PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 109. JULY 20, 1895. TO A LADY HUMORIST. Your laugh would chase away the blues, Your smile is always sunny, One must be gay--who could refuse? Your "mission" is just to amuse; Discarding all blue-stocking views, You fancy what is funny. You have no fads on Man's Descent From something quite atomic, On Diet, Disestablishment, On Dress, Diminishing of Rent, Divorce or Dockyard Discontent-- You seek for something comic. You wear no hygienic shoe, Your dress is never frightful, Your sense of humour makes you too Alive to what you should not do, You laugh at folks, not they at you, You write what's quite delightful. So laugh, and always make us gay; Stern women are alarming, The boldest men, I need not say, Are simply scared by such as they, You do not bore us, anyway. Your conversation's charming. * * * * * _Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving her trap, &c., &c._--"A woman's a woman for a' that." * * * * * [Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD. SHE WON THE SWEEP!] * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Of Mr. ATHOL MAYHEW'S _History of Punch_ the Baron can at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or ticket-for-leaves, granted by _Mr. Punch_ himself, per the Baron de B.-W., the book of MAHU ("MODO he is called and MAHU," as SHIRLEY BROOKS used to quote from _King Lear_) will not have received _the_ "imprimatur." Already it appears, as we read in a letter from Mr. HENRY SPIELMANN (who, if any man living knows anything about _Mr. Punch's_ history, is the Punchian Biographer and Historian _par excellence_ and "by appointment") to the _Daily Chronicle_, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. MAYHEW'S book there are numerous errors on important matters. "_Mayhew-manum est errare._" But "Herr VON SPIELMANN will put him right in his forthcoming book," says THE JUDICIOUS BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. * * * * * COVENT GARDEN OPERA PROVERB.--"When in doubt play _Faust_." * * * * * "HAPPY THOUGHT!" (_Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone Police Court_).--What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in the East End (where _the_ real pantomimes used to be): "_Harlequin and the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!_" * * * * * BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL. PART II.