SIR,--You remember _Mr. Squeers's_ system of theoretical and practical teaching, "'_W-i-n-d-e-r-s_.' Go and clean 'em"? Of course you do; and if the quotation is not letter perfect, it is its "spirit," which is more suited to my present theme, at all events. Well, Sir, "them's my principles." Accordingly, after reading your advice as to taking a Summer Sunday trip to Calais and back by _Calais-Doûvres_, or one of the large boats in L. C. and D. service, I acted upon it, and went. The _trajet_ was simply perfect! Such weather! Sea so calm! Breeze refreshing! Company distinguished! Commander WATTELBLED, and First Lieutenant CARINI, with all hands, waiting to give us (at a price as fair and moderate as the Channel breeze on this occasion) excellent refreshment. But to sing their praise is not my point; they do their duty, and pay it too, as we _voyageurs_ have to do, on cigars, teas, and tobacco. I had time to refer to hotel's list of wines and liqueurs, and among the latter there appeared a name which brought tears to the eyes of the wanderer far from his English home; and that name, Sir, coming after "Kümmel, and Marasquin, and Whisky," was "_Old Tom-Gim_"--"Tom Gi_m_" with an "m." How far superior to "Gin" with an "n." It brought to mind early days of catechism, "_M. or N., as the case may be_." This was a case of liqueurs. How preferable the soft liquid "_m_" to the less soft "_n_" in making "_Gin_" into "_Gim_"! And how much one would like to alter the spelling, and make it "_Old Tom Jim_." Would he not be seized upon by a French librettist as the very name, _par excellence_, for a typical Ancient English Mariner in an opera? Don't you see it? "_Capitaine_ John Smith; _First Mate_ Old Tom Jim" with song (nautical). _Vive_ Gim! Now, with my discovery, I regain the good ship, and, once aboard the lugger ... by the way, there is an eighteen-penny tax now levied by the French on those who land at Calais. "_Happy Thought._ Don't land." But, _Unhappy Thought_, if we don't land in the _pas-de-Calais_, the result will be _pas de déjeuner_. So--"bang goes sax-pence," for "We don't kill a pig every week." Yours, THOMAS LE VIEUX. P.S.--And another one-and-sixpence extra on landing at Dover! All the "fun of the fare," eh? * * * * * Transcriber's Note = = represents Old English font. Page 12: 'Cawmel-Bannerman' corrected to 'Cawmell-Bannerman' (a.k.a. Campbell-Bannerman, Sir Henry (1836-1908), Scottish statesman, M.P.) "SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S Seals." * * * * * End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 6, 1895, by Various