_A Censorious Lady_ (_before a row of baby elephants_). Oh, _aren't_ they horrid! Look at their horrid little eyes. (_As one of them protrudes a predatory trunk._) Oh, get away, _do!_ They are _the_ most hideous creatures I've _ever_ seen! _Look_ at that one, all wrinkled and baggy like an old man. See, it's wagging its head about like a Chinese doll! I do think they're _quite_ loathsome, don't you? _Her Companion_ (_a more Tolerant Person_). I daresay they would'nt look so bad if they were varnished up a bit. IN THE OSTRICH FARM. _The Keeper_ (_who apparently considers his Show as moral as_ ARTEMUS WARD'S--_to the Public generally_). I've came over here From California, whose golden waters kiss The mouth of her Sunny Sands, and where there air strawberries all the year round. On the farm where I live there were only fourteen days in all of lasst year when we had no strawberries. The most Glorious climate In the World; and, if anyone don't believe it, all they've got to _do_ is to die; and then, if they've been good, they'll go there, and find out for themselves. I'm not under Con-tràct To say a single word here, but I want to talk to you about these birds, because they're generally misunderstood. They walk en-tirely From the Toe, which gives them the graceful, springy action you see. They air all named after the greatest people now living on airth. This one close to the rails is called JIM BLAKE. Mark well the Peculiarities, Life, Habits, _and_ Characteristics of the Ostrich, and you will all of you go away And lead A moral life. The only absolootly Purrfect Being on This ole Universe is the bird now passing in front of me. Her name is GAIL HAMILTON, and She has The Smallest Feet of anyone here present, _and_ the Smallest Head. She has only one ounce of brains inside of it, and that is Sufficient for her requirements, and nobody would have any use for more if they did not suffer From swelled heads.... Yes, little girl, you're purrfectly right--the ostrich _does_ run zig-zag, which is A Fact that is Unknown to many Scientific men. The kick of the ostrich is as quick as lightning--_quicker_ 'n lightning, be-cause you can see lightning, but you _cann't_ see an ostrich's kick, which is four kicks to the second, and kills a man every time. At certain seasons it is Impossible to go among these birds except On horseback, and pro-vided with a stout pole with a fork at the end for Self-defence. All of these birds are here on Sale, and there is a large demand for them for Gentlemen's Parks and Country seats. _A Suburban Humourist_ (_to his_ Wife). What d'ye say to gettin' a pair on 'em fur our back-yard, eh? _His Wife._ 'Ow you _do_ tork, 'ENERY! 'Oo do _you_ suppose is goin' to 'ang the washing out with two o' them great houtlandish beasts lolloping around? Not _me_, and so I _tell_ yer. I've enough work on _my_ 'ands without no austridges!