"Hush!" the novelist interrupted. "Here are some customers." And as he spoke four or five people entered the drawing-room, and marched up to the counter. "A nice novel, Madam," said SNOOKS, just like one of Messrs. MARSHALL AND SNELGROVE'S young men. "Certainly. Kindly step this way, please. Here is my _Love's Dilemma_, very sweet, I assure you. Yes, only four-and-six cash. Thank you.... Can I show you anything, Sir? This is in the latest style--_The Decree Nisi_--or I could write you something to order, if you prefer it.... Hymns, Madam? No, I am afraid I've none in stock, would a devotional sonnet do? Of course, I could make any number you require at the shortest notice.... Thank you, seven-and-sixpence change. They shall be delivered to-morrow morning. Evangelical, I think you said?... To suit a young lady--_not_ advanced? Certainly, Sir; I can offer you my _Milk and Mayblossom_, published at six shillings; reduced to half-a-crown.... You didn't like _Murder and Sudden Death_, Sir? Well, I _am_ surprised, it's one of my favourite productions; but I can sell you a rather milder blend, if you prefer it." And so the conversation went on, until all the customers had been satisfied, and SNOOKS wiped his heated brow and turned to me. "There, you see how it works; splendid system, isn't it? No trouble with publishers or booksellers, entirely a ready-money trade, done over the counter in one's own drawing-room." "Then all these books are your own work?" I asked. "Of course; you don't suppose I'm fool enough to sell other people's goods? Of course I keep a large ready-made stock, and turn out others to order as required. And, as you're here, do just buy----" At this point I fled. * * * * * N. B. IN N. B. If you'd make them feel "Big Pots," Then by all means call them "Scots." If you'd make their tempers hottish, You may coolly call them "Scottish." But, if wise, be on the watch That you _never_ call them _Scotch!_ True it is that BOBBY BURNS Uses all these terms in turns. (Such, at least, appears the boast Of the northern _Yorkshire Post_.) But if _you_ essay the three You'll soon find you're not--R. B. * * * * * SPORT PER WIRE. [An international revolver match by cable is arranged to take place shortly between English and American teams.] "Good morning," said a representative of _Mr. Punch_ to the Chief Umpire of a well-known Telegraphic Agency; "I have come to ask if you would kindly favour me with some details of your new Sporting Department." "Certainly," he replied. "It has a great future before it. We intend to revolutionise sport in all its branches." "For instance?" "Well, as it's in season, take Football. In fact, I've just finished umpiring in an Association match between England and America, which, in my unofficial capacity, I'm happy to say we've won--for a change." "Where was it played?"