* * * * * CRAZY TALES. [Illustration] The Duchess of POMPOSET was writhing, poor thing, on the horns of a dilemma. Painful position, very. She was the greatest of great ladies, full of fire and fashion, and with a purple blush (she was born that colour) flung bangly arms round the neck of her lord and master. The unfortunate man was a shocking sufferer, having a bad unearned increment, and enduring constant pain on account of his back being broader than his views. "POMPOSET," she cried, resolutely. "Duky darling!" (When first married she had ventured to apostrophise him as "ducky," but His Grace thought it _infra dig._, and they compromised by omitting the vulgar "c.") "Duky," she said, raising pale distinguished eyes to a Chippendale mirror, "I have made up my mind." "Don't," expostulated the trembling peer. "You are so rash!" "What is more, I have made up yours." "To make up the mind of an English duke," he remarked, with dignity, "requires no ordinary intellect; yet I believe with your feminine hydraulics you are capable of anything, JANE." (That this aristocratic rib of His rib should have been named plain JANE was a chronic sorrow.) "Don't keep me in suspense," he continued; "in fact, to descend to a colloquialism, I insist on Your Grace letting the cat out of the bag with the least possible delay." "As you will," she replied. "Your blood be on your own coronet. Prepare for a shock--a revelation. I have fallen! Not once--but many times." "Wretched woman!--I beg pardon!--wretched Grande Dame! call upon DEBRETT to cover you!" "I am madly in love with----" "By my taffeta and ermine, I swear----" "Peace, peace!" said JANE. "Compose yourself, ducky--that is PLANTAGENET. Forgive the slip. I am agitated. My mind runs on slips." The Duke groaned. "Horrid, awful slips!" With a countenance of alabaster he tore at his sandy top-knot. "I have deceived you. I admit it. Stooped to folly." A supercilious cry rent the air as the Duke staggered on his patrician limbs. With womanly impulse--flinging caste to the winds--JANE caught the majestic form to her palpitating alpaca, and, watering his beloved features with Duchessy drops, cried in passionate accents, "My King! My Sensitive Plant! Heavens! It's his unlucky back! Be calm, PLANTAGENET. I have--been--learning--to--_bike!_ There! On the sly!" The Duke flapped a reviving toe, and squeezed the august fingers. "I am madly enamoured of--my machine." The peer smoothed a ruffled top-knot with ineffable grace. "Likewise am determined _you_ shall take lessons. Now it is no use, duky. I mean to be tender but firm with you." The Potentate gave a stertorous chortle, and, stretching out his arms, fell in a strawberry-leaf swoon on the parquet floor, his ducal head on the lap of his adored JANE. * * * * * "HAPPY THOUGHT."--_Mem. (from note-book of careless man)._ When nothing else to do, wind up my watch. It saves time.