Then he spoke, slowly. "Sorry, Sir, I can't do it. You have hit on the one station to which we don't issue tickets. Any other one I could manage for you, but----" "Look here," I said sternly, "you don't seem to know your business. If you haven't got a printed ticket, can't you make one out on paper? Hurry up, man; my train leaves in a minute or two." "Yes," he said more slowly than ever, "I could do that--we have blank forms for that purpose; but all the same I won't do it." "Oh, you won't? And why?" "Well, I don't know what the fare is. I----" "All right," I said. "You don't appear to be drunk, so I imagine you're trying to be funny. As your sense of humour doesn't correspond with mine I shall take great pleasure in reporting you to the station-master;" and I prepared to stalk off. "Wait a moment, please," he said, leaning a bit forward and dropping his voice to a confidential whisper, "I'll give you a tip. You don't want a ticket at all, Sir; you can get there for nothing." "What do you mean?" said I. "It needn't cost you a halfpenny," he went on, smiling. "It's not many lines that have a station like this, but we----" And then, but not until then, did I realise where I was. "Oh," I said, "er--third return--er--Surbiton." I don't think railway ticket-mongers ought to be allowed to have a sense of humour. * * * * * IN A GOOD CAUSE. _Mr. Punch_ ventures to remind his readers that the Centenary dinner of the Artists' General Benevolent Institution is to be held on May 6th, under the chairmanship of H.R.H. PRINCE ARTHUR OF CONNAUGHT. This Institution devotes itself to the relief of artists, and the orphans of artists, who are in need. _Mr. Punch_, who is to be represented among the Stewards at the dinner by his Art Editor, begs to return his most sincere thanks for the generous gifts he has already received from his readers, and will be very grateful for any further contributions addressed to Mr. F. H. TOWNSEND, "Punch" Office, 10, Bouverie Street, E.C. * * * * * "The King this morning received the Bishop of Sheffield, who was introduced to Mr. McKenna (Home Secretary), and did homage upon appointment."--_Birmingham Daily Post._ Mr. MCKENNA (_accepting homage_). "And now what do you think of my Welsh Disestablishment Bill?" * * * * * [Illustration: A DIVERSION. BURGLAR GEORGE. "IT'S YOUR MONEY I WANT!" JOHN BULL. "MY DEAR FELLOW, IT'S POSITIVELY A RELIEF TO SEE YOU. I'VE JUST BEEN HAVING SUCH A _HORRIBLE_ DREAM!"] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) [Illustration: "THE INQUEST OF THE NATION." _Mr. ASQUITH_ (_to Jury of ASQUITHS_). "Gentlemen of the Jury, you have heard the prisoner ASQUITH plead 'Not Guilty.' This should be sufficient evidence to enable you to arrive at a unanimous verdict of acquittal."