[Illustration: "Wotcher bin doin'--fightin'?" "NO--BOOHOO--I BIN FOUGHT!"] * * * * * Being convinced that Germany possesses too many Leagues and Associations the town of Seesen, in the Harz, has established an "Association for Combating the Mania for the Formation of Leagues and Associations"--not realising until too late that they have thereby formed one more. *** "Keep your arms" is Sir EDWARD CARSON'S latest advice to the Ulster volunteers--and they have kept their heads so well that they should have no difficulty in this respect. *** An American clergyman got into trouble last week for holding up his hand and trying to stop the traffic in the Strand. The sky-pilot found out pretty soon that he was out of his element. *** A man placed a bank paper bag containing L63 10s. on the counter at the chief post-office in Swansea, one day last week, while he changed a postal order. When he turned to pick up the bag it had disappeared. The local police incline to the view that someone must have taken it. *** A muddle-headed correspondent writes to express surprise on learning that the day devoted to collections for the charities connected with the Variety Stage should be known as "Tag Day." The old fellow had always imagined that "Tag Day" was a toast on German war vessels. * * * * * A TIME EXPOSURE. I turned the family album's page And noted with a smile The efforts of a bygone age At photographic style; There, pegtopped, grandpa could be seen, While grandma beamed, contented To know her brand-new crinoline The latest thing invented. And there Aunt Mary's looks belied Her gravity of dress; That great poke-bonnet could not hide Her youthful comeliness; There, too, was father when a boy, And elsewhere in the series A youthful cousin (Fauntleroy), An uncle in Dundrearies. And then before my scornful eye A smirking youth appeared, Flaunting a loose aesthetic tie And embryonic beard; With laughter I began to shake, Noting the watch-chain (weighty) And all the things that went to make A "nut" in 1880. I looked upon the other side, Still tittering, to see What branch the fellow occupied Upon our family tree; A name was scrawled across the card With flourishes in plenty, And lo! it was the present bard Himself at five-and-twenty. * * * * * The Sprinter. From a testimonial to a system of health culture:-- "I think I have never felt so glorious as I do this morning. At 4.30 I woke up after a wet waist pack, got hot water, cleaned myself, took a glass of lemon juice, exercised, and for the last three-quarters of an hour I have been running through your notes." He mustn't take _too_ much exercise. * * * * * THE COMPLETE DRAMATIST. III. MEALS AND THINGS.