But most I compliment, with thanks profuse, The touch that gives your feasts their crowning savour, Whose absence must have marred the duckling _mousse_, Ruined the _neige au Kirsch_, and soured the flavour Of Madame MELBA'S peaches-- I mean the pledge upon my card, "No Speeches." There's only one I like, and that's "The KING"! (I give the text in full--no superfluities); Why should I have to hear some dodderer sing Praise of the Government (whichever crew it is), While some one else endorses The obvious merits of our fighting forces? If I have dined too well, to-morrow's cure Shall be the fine for my excessive feasting; But, at the night's tail-end, I can't endure A punishment that bores me like a bee-sting, Poisoning all the mirth That should companion my distended girth. For this relief from those who spoil the vine (How oft have I refused, O learned Benchers, For fear of speeches, other men's and mine, The chance of feeding off the choicest trenchers)-- For this relief I rank you High up among my benefactors. Thank you. O. S. * * * * * HOW THE CHAMPIONSHIP WAS WON. (A _Story of 1918._) The last match of the season was between Kent and Somerset. Kent and Surrey were at the top of the Championship table, with the following percentages:-- Kent 87.51 Surrey 87.23 Surrey had completed its programme. Thus all depended on the result of this Kent-Somerset match. To become champions Kent had either to win outright or to keep their percentage intact by the circumstance of both sides not completing an innings. Play was impossible on the first day owing to rain. On the second day Somerset scored 157. Rain fell again and Kent were unable to commence their innings till the afternoon of the third day. Obviously they had to strain every nerve to accomplish two things: (1) to avoid getting out and (2) to avoid scoring more than 157. At all hazards they must neither win nor lose on the first innings. They could not win the match. There was no time. And either a win or a loss on the first innings would lower their percentage sufficiently to enable Surrey to go to the top. For in the matter of averages it is better under certain conditions not to have fought at all than to secure only a portion of the honours.