"No, I never heard of any literary talent showing itself in our family before. My father was interested in the retail meat industry; _his_ father was interested in the retail bread industry; and _his_ father turned his attention to the making of candlesticks. "My impressions as I crossed? Well, I couldn't help remarking, ill as I felt, that, as we neared the shores of the New World, the waves took on better and more imposing shapes, the wind blew more smartly, and at night the stars seemed brighter and more numerous, and the clouds appeared to form themselves into stripes! Yes, this is my first experience of a zero temperature. The air is deliciously fresh: one seems to breathe in freedom with it. Well, perhaps I am a little cold, but that is because I have been waiting an hour and a-half _en queue_ for a permit allowing me to have my luggage examined; and then, you see, gentlemen, I haven't the fur coat I bought specially for this visit; the Customs people have taken it away, and also the evening clothes I had made by Pond just before I left; so that I'm afraid I shan't be able to accept the very kind invitations I received by wireless to dine with the Brainy Broadway Boys to-night, and to-morrow night with the Chocktaw Club. "What do I think of feminine New York? Why, of course, I think her the prettiest, cleverest, best-dressed portion of feminine humanity, and with an added charm--a New Yorkiness which is absolutely indescribable. No, I haven't met any of her yet, my knowledge of New York being at present limited to this wonderful landing pier, your greatly gifted Customs officials, and the brilliantly intelligent subordinates of your world-renowned Express Company. "What do I think of Mexican affairs? Well, gentlemen, it seems to me that only _Mexicans_ can make themselves really at home in Mexico, and that other people had better not try to live there--if living is their object. "Yes, here is my photo and my wife's photo; my father's photo; my grandfather's daguerreotype; a black profile of my great-grandfather--certainly, gentlemen, I shall be only too pleased and proud to have them all reproduced in your scintillating, pulsating journals. So long, boys! Delighted to have met you." * * * * * [Illustration: _Distressed Mother._ "'E'S BEEN AN ORFUL TRIAL TO ME EVER SINCE THEM PITCHER PALACES BEGAN. FIRST 'E WAS SHOOTIN' AT THE FOWLS, AN' NOW 'E'S PINCHIN' MY WOOLLY MATS TER PUT ON 'IS LEGS."] * * * * * A Mirdite Melody. [The Mirdite Chief Prenk Bib Doda has joined the first Albanian Cabinet.] Great is the Gaeckwar of BARODA; Great too was MARCHAND at Fashoda; Great is good brandy blent with soda; But, as a culminating _coda_, Greater by far is PRENK BIB DODA. * * * * * From a list of work for Trials at Eton:-- "Acts xxi--xxvii (_not_ Ch. xxviii)."