* * * * * GENTS' TOILET SALOON, Oxford St., W. Shave ... One Cut from the Joint. Hair-cut, Shampoo, etc. One Sheep's Head. * * * * * WHY PAY MORE? THE LIFE OF LLOYD GEORGE. By Bertie Du Porke. In side boards, price One Welsh Rarebit. In half-calf, price One Pound (of Veal). * * * * * SHEEPSHANKS & CO., GENTS' OUTFITTERS. Gents' ready-to-wear Cycling and Golf Knickers. Usual price, Two Legs of Lamb. Sale price, Two Legs of Mutton. Cycling Hose, to clear--Two Calves Foot Jellies per pair. Gents' White Spats, clearance price--One Bag of Nuts. SHEEPSHANKS & CO., Poultry, E.C. Lists sent Paste Free. * * * * * CLERK WANTED.--The successful applicant would be enabled to earn his bread and butter daily.--Apply, T. POTTER & CO., E.C. * * * * * PECKSTEIN HALL. To-morrow at Three. Vocalist ... Miss Lottie Teathe. At the Mouth Organ. M. Grubbe. Prices:--Boxes, Three Gross Sardines. Body, One Pig's Heart. * * * * * [Illustration: SOME OF THE LARGE STORES ARE GIVING EXHIBITIONS OF HOW TO CHOOSE A SUITABLE HAT. ABOVE WE SHOW A TRAGEDY IN SIX ACTS OF THE CUSTOMER WHOM NO HAT WILL SUIT.] * * * * * THE CHIMES AND THE CHUBE. As when a solemn bell Sounds from a little spire The smock-frocked villagers to tell "'Tis church time," and they heed the summons well, Gaffer, and Jarge and Kate, and tiny Nell, And last of all comes Squire-- So have I heard afar And pondered on my crimes, Reader of many a flashy par. While travelling in the subterranean car, A voice that murmured, "What a fool you are Not to take in _The Chimes_!" I said, "It costs three d.," But lied about the cause; I feared the toils of destiny, I felt those stately columns close on me, I shuddered as I rattled like a pea Citywards without pause. _Tuppence_! The fearful sound Pealed like an organ crash; Once more the mesh was drawing round, But still I cried, "Economy!" and drowned The still small voice, and in the Underground Flaunted _The Daily Flash._ Short shrift for those that err! Jove has rebuked my sin: Now, helpless and without demur, You shall behold me where the tube-lifts purr Pale captive to the penny _Thunderer_ With supplements heaved in. Only one thing I cry, With tears and laughter mixed, That those who speed or far or nigh The swift-winged wains of the Electric Ry., And furnish them with little thongs whereby The passengers are fixed.