_S. P. S._ Thanks so much. Then I'll put you down for a subscription. The Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the Genteel Poor, you know. _S. G. V._ ----! ----! ----! (Biff ... bang ... ting-a-ling ... buz-z-z-z-z-z.) _S. P. S._ Exchange. _Exchange._ Number, please. _S. P. S._ Put me through to the Repairs Department.... Oh, Repairs Department. I'm ringing up on behalf of Major Smith, of 3, Mecklington Gardens, Kensington. Send someone round at once, please. His telephone has burst. * * * * * "ST. PAUL'S. £70,000 WANTED FOR THE FABRIC." _Standard._ Another chance for Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY. * * * * * THE WEDDING PRESENT. "At last," I said, putting down my newspaper, "there is hope for England. Here is a man who announces his approaching marriage and hopes that wedding presents will not be sent." "Pooh," said the lady of the house. "Why," said I, "do you say 'pooh'?" "Because," she said, "it's not a bit of good hoping for anything of, the sort. You might just as well abolish weddings at once. People won't go to one unless they have a chance of seeing their own present and admiring it so much that the detective begins to suspect them." "Yes," I said, "isn't the detective splendid? Nobody ever fails to spot him, and yet there he is every time, firmly convinced that everybody takes him for the bridegroom's uncle or the bride's godfather by a former marriage, or something of that sort. I really do feel I couldn't do without the detective." "There you are," she said. "You can't have the detective without the presents." "Very well," I said, "we'll let presents go on a bit longer and chance it." "And don't you forget," she said firmly, "that you've got to choose a present for George Henderson to-day." "George Henderson?" I said dreamily. "Do you think George Henderson _wants_ a present? Isn't he the sort which 'hopes that wedding presents will not be sent'? I've always felt he had a look in his eye which said, 'Dear old chap, I shall be married some day.--Whatever you do, don't send me a present.' Haven't you felt that about him, too?" "No," she said, "I haven't. In fact George has always seemed to me the very man for a present. And now he's going to be married. It's the chance of a lifetime." "Well, then," I said, "if you feel like that _you_ ought to buy the present. You'll do it better. You'll put more real feeling into it." "That may be," she said, "but you 're going to London, and I'm not. You'll have to do it this time." "Oh, very well," I said; "have it your own way; but I warn you I shall buy silver candlesticks." The two elder girls, who had been listening with eager interest, now broke in. "Dad," said Helen to Rosie, "is going to try for his old candlesticks." "Yes," said Rosie; "but you'll see he won't be allowed."