"What occurs? The gallant caitiff, Noticing the swain is poor (Courtesy with him is native, Not like you, suburban boor), Bows, and says in accents sunny, 'Pass along, Sir--make good speed; I'm convinced you've got no money And I do not want your bleed. "'Sweet be Maytime to your noses; Short is life, but love is sweet, There's a city man named Moses Whom I've simply got to meet; On you go, you two young larkers;' Then he bids his Jew disgorge Or reserves his brace of barkers For the coach of D. LLOYD GEORGE. "Such the good high Toby fashion; Surely in your bosom stirs, Constable, a like compassion For our two poor cylinders; All we have is vile and shoddy; See that low-hung touring brute-- There's a bonnet! there's a body Worthy of a road-knight's loot!" Thus I spake; but, still phlegmatic, Imperturbable and stout, Rendering Doric for my Attic, Robert pulled his note-book out; Said, "Me dooty is me dooty," And retiring to his trench Pondered further schemes of booty For the footpads on the Bench. EVOE. * * * * * "The enthusiasm of the people was so great that it was not damped by a real Scotch milk."--_Liverpool Courier._ When did whisky ever damp the enthusiasm of a Scotch crowd? * * * * * ROYAL ACADEMY--SECOND DEPRESSIONS. Illustration: _Harlequin._ "Never Mind, My Dear; I'll Have A Few Words To Say To The Limelight Man About This!" * * * * * Illustration: THE CARD-SHARPERS. _Near Female._ "Stop Cheating For A Minute While I Get My Portrait Taken." * * * * * Illustration: A PHANTASY IN THE CENTRAL HALL.--"CAUGHT." * * * * * Illustration: A DEADLOCK. "IF WE GO FORWARD WE'LL GET SUNSTROKE, AND IF WE GO BACK THERE'S A BLIZZARD; SO WE MAY AS WELL STOP WHERE WE ARE AND HAVE OUR PICTURE PAINTED." * * * * * Illustration: FLOODS IN THE THAMES VALLEY. The family of a well-known stockbroker takes advantage of the situation to practise a little first-aid, and incidentally get on with the week's washing. * * * * * Illustration: SINGULAR APATHY OF AGRICULTURAL LABOURERS DURING AN INVASION. * * * * * Illustration: _The Sea-Maiden._ "Catch me!" _The Shrimp-Hunter (regretfully)._ "I'D LIKE TO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS THE CLOSE SEASON FOR MERMAIDS." * * * * * Illustration: THE ART OF ACHIEVING THE IMPOSSIBLE--A CUBIST PICTURE GETS A PLACE ON THE LINE. * * * * * Illustration: YOUTHFUL ATHLETES, WHILE TRAINING FOR THE NEXT OLYMPIC GAMES (THREE-LEGGED RACE), ARE HAMPERED BY THE PRESENCE OF LARGE, FIERCE BIRDS. * * * * *