The British Isles have been defeated at Lawn Tennis, but we really shan't mind so long as we win the war. *** "On shop after shop in Paris," says _The Evening News_, "is the notice, 'Maison fermée à cante du de départ du patron et les employés sous les drapeaux Français.'" Sorry, _Evening News_, but we cannot believe your statement in its entirety. We are afraid you did not get it confirmed by the Official Press Bureau. *** According to the St. Petersburg _Gazette_ the Germans have arrested the Grand Duke CONSTANTINE CONSTANTINOVITCH at Badwildungen. The Russian Government admits that the GRAND DUKE has published several volumes of verse. *** According to a statement in _The Globe_ "the German liner, _Belgia_, having run short of coal, put in at Newport (Mon.) to-day, and was seized as a prize. She has over £250,000 worth of food on board, including 400 tons of cheese, 73 German reservists, and also a large amount of specie." The last two items must, of course, be regarded as emergency rations. *** An unfortunate misprint:-- "WAR NEWS IN A FEW LIES." * * * * * Illustration: THE MONOPOLIST. _Late Arrival_ (_wishing to put his machine in bicycle rack_). "WELL, UPON MY WORD, THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS! CADDIE, WHO PUT HIS BICYCLE LIKE THAT?" _Caddie._ "CAN'T SAY FOR SURE, SIR. THE KAISER, I SHOULD THINK." * * * * * HOW WAR IS "MADE IN GERMANY." (_Extract from the KAISER'S Diary._) Letter captured bearing mark of Venezuela Consulate at Berlin. Stamp not put on straight. Insult to me--therefore to the flag. Proceed to issue ultimatum to Venezuela. Venezuela omits to concede one of the 421 points raised. Declare war on Venezuela and publish address to my people:--"Owing to this wicked and determined challenge to Our nation, We have been forced, greatly against Our wish, into a quarrel with a powerful and designing enemy," etc., etc. Consignment of Chicago sausages, arriving Hamburg, is found to bear label "The Best." Deliberate blow at German supremacy. Germany is the Sausage Queen. Ultimatum to United States. Reply unsatisfactory, so declare war. Speech to my people:--"Owing to this wicked," etc. Despatch from Pomeranian farming district to effect that a Cochin-China hen has peaked at representation of German Eagle in picture-book. At once issued ultimatum to Cochin-China demanding humble and complete apology, otherwise war would be declared. Received immediate reply, stating that as Cochin-China belongs at present to France I may save myself the trouble of a fresh declaration of war. Do so. Read statement that "heat in neighbourhood of equator surpasses that of any other part of the world." See in this a direct challenge to our sovereignty. _We_ are the hottest stuff in the world. Declare war on all countries abutting on equator. Speech to my people:--"Owing to this wicked," etc.