Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOLUME 147 AUGUST 5th 1914. Edited by Owen Seaman * * * * * Illustration: HINTS TO MILLIONAIRES. WHEN YOU BATHE ENGAGE _ALL_ THE BATHING-BOXES SO AS TO HAVE THE SEA TO YOURSELF UNCONTAMINATED. * * * * * CHARIVARIA. SIR ROBERT LORIMER has been appointed architect for the restoration of Whitekirk church, East Lothian, which was burnt down by Suffragettes last February. There is a feeling among the militants that, since it is owing to the exertions of women that the work has to be done, it ought to have been given to a woman architect. *** Two Suffragettes who were charged, last week, at Bow Street with obstructing the police, refused to give their ages. Presumably the information would have shown that they were old enough to know better. *** A committee of the Metropolitan Water Board reports that Thames water is purified at least 1,000 times before delivery to consumers. It looks as if there may, after all, be something in the complaints which reach the Board from time to time as to its water being absolutely flavourless. *** The London Fire Brigade Committee has decided to ignore a demand from the Corporation Workers' Union for the reinstatement of a fireman who refused to obey an order on the ground that it involved too great a danger to him. For ourselves we are surprised at the moderation of the Union. We should have expected them to insist also on a medal for life-saving being bestowed on the man. *** Dr. IGNATIUS MOERBECK, an engineer living on the Amazon, asserts that the river which Mr. ROOSEVELT claims to have placed on the map had long since been surveyed by him. The prettiest touch in Dr. MOERBECK'S statement is to the effect that the real name of the river is Castanha, which means Chestnut. *** Furs worth about L3,000 were stolen from a Chiswell Street firm last week. This gives one some idea of the intensity of the recent cold snap. *** Mr. LYN HARDING, it is announced, has acquired a new play in four Acts entitled _Bed Rock_. Surely the lullaby touch in the title is a mistake? Audiences are quite prone enough to fall asleep without these soporific aids. *** "I am not," says M. PAUL BOURGET, "responsible for the words I put into the mouths of my characters." We await a similar declaration from Mr. B. SHAW. *** Another impending apology! Extract from the official Report of the Annual General Meeting of a Company that publishes certain illustrated papers:--"Our stock of published original black-and-white drawings, made by many of the foremost artists of the day, stand at nothing in our books." ***