Sir,--Hearing that you are thinking of sending over an army, we have formed a small Reception Committee to provide for its comfort, and knowing how concerned you are for the welfare of your troops we think you will be glad to learn that complete arrangements have been made for conveying them to, and accommodating them at, a salubrious spot called Tipperary, immediately on their arrival. (Signed) J. PUSHER, _Secretary_, Eastern and Home Counties Resorts Association. * * * Professor Burgess-Brown, the well-known swimming expert, presents his compliments. He would be pleased to call at Kiel Harbour (or other appointed place) in order to teach the art of natation to German soldiers who may, after arrival in England, suddenly find themselves deprived of their troopships when wishing to return. * * * Dear Sir,--We hear that a number of your friends are coming to England, and shall accordingly welcome an enquiry for our advice, which is always at the disposal of the travelling public. We do not know whether you propose personally to come over, but we should certainly recommend this course, as by travelling _viâ_ an English port you could get a boat _direct_ to St. Helena and thus save the wearisome changing to which you might be exposed in sailing from the Continent. Yours obediently, THE WORLD'S TOURS, LIMITED. * * * _Headquarters, Poppy Patrol Boy Scouts, Cliffe, Norfolk._ Dear Sir,--I don't think there is much use in your troops landing. In this county alone there are two hundred and ninety-five more scouts than there were in August, and they are still coming in. Of course come if you like, but don't say I didn't warn you. Yours, T. SMITH, Patrol Leader. * * * _Imperial Studios, Yarmouth._ Sir,--Hearing that your troops are thinking of visiting the above town, we should be glad to take you, in small or large groups. We understand that your excursion will be only a half-day one, but we have facilities for the immediate development of negatives. Yours obediently, GEORGE GELATINE JONES. * * * WARNING! TO THE KAISER. _From the Huntsman of the Bungay Foxhounds._ Send your men over if you like. Let them turn their guns on all our ancient buildings, destroy crops, blow up bridges; but MIND, if one of your Huns raises a rifle to any Norfolk or Suffolk fox, there will be trouble of a serious kind. * * * * * Illustration: KILLED! [With _Mr. Punch's_ compliments to General BOTHA.] * * * * * Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_to District Visitor_). "DID YOU HEAR A STRANGE NOISE THIS MORNING, MISS, AT ABOUT FOUR O'CLOCK? I THOUGHT IT WAS ONE OF THEM AIREOPLANES; AND MY NEIGHBOUR WAS SO SURE IT WAS ONE HE WENT DOWN AND LET HIS DOG LOOSE." * * * * * MINOR WAR GAINS.