Tommy Brown said with lots of scorn, "Fourpence!!"--just like that. Then he said the money was to go to buy things for the Indian troops, and what would they think of fourpence? Old Jones minimus said sixpence when he got his pocket-money on Saturday; then the Head came out to see what the row was about. When Tommy Brown told him all about it, the Head bid half-a-crown in a loud voice. We cheered, and just then the man who lives next door and who brought his liver home from India shouted out five shillings. Then the Headmaster said ten shillings. Tommy Brown had to clutch hold of the rails. The man who lives next door went red in the neck and bid a sovereign. Jones minimus began to blub when the Head bid two pounds. The man who had been to India said: "My steemy Sir, it is no use; I bid four pounds." I could see old Tommy Brown moving his ears like anything. The Headmaster said: "The Gurkhas are some of the finest troops in the world"--he meant Gherkins, but he was excited; then he said: "Five Pounds, Tommy White, for the brown rats." The man who likes liver said something we haven't got to listen to, and then Tommy fell off the box. "Knocked down at six pounds!" said the Headmaster, laughing; "we will have one each." They both gave Tommy Brown three pounds and then shook hands over the fence. Tommy says I needn't lend him my Jew's harp now. * * * * * FAINT PRAISE. "The House of Commons was seen at its best to-day. The benches, it is true, were more than all empty."--_Cork Constitution._ * * * * * From a letter to a school-teacher:-- "I think as Eliza as the mumps. Pleas look at her throte and if she as rub her jor well to tak away the stif feeling and oblig." * * * * * From War News in _The Peshawur Daily News_:-- "The 'Langford' knocked out the gunboat 'Smith' in three rounds." How like a German gunboat (obviously "Schmidt") to disguise itself with an English name. * * * * * "MISS JEFFERSON RECALLED IN BREACH SUIT." _"Evening News" Headline._ Although the defendant in this case was a cycle-dealer, we think that these sudden changes of costume are liable to lead to confusion and should, therefore, be forbidden. * * * * * Illustration: _Officer_ (_on rounds near revolving light_). "ANYTHING TO REPORT?" _Sentry._ "NO, SIR; THERE'S NO MUCKLE TA RIPORRT; BUT YON FOLKS HAE BEEN HAVIN' A HEAP O' TROUBLE WI' THEIR LIGHT: IT'S GONE OOT TWENTY TIMES IN THE LAST OOR." * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)