* * * * * Illustration: "WAAL, IT'S THIS WAY. WE AMURRICANS DON'T TAKE NO SIDES--WE'RE AB-SO-LOOTLY NOOTRAL. WE DON' GIVE A ROW O' BEANS WHICH OF YOU KNOCKS THE KAISER OUT." * * * * * SAFEGUARDS. It was the special terms to Special Constables that tempted me--and I fell. I don't just remember how many times I fell, but it was pretty nearly as often as the "Professor" of the wily art took hold of me. Before the first lesson was over, falling became more than a mere pastime with me, it grew into a serious occupation. So I left the jiu-jitsu school at the end of the second lesson with a nodding acquaintance with some very pretty holds and a very firm determination to practise them on Alfred when he got back to the office next day from Birmingham. * * * I suppose I ought to have persevered with my lessons a little longer, but I was losing my self-respect, and felt that nothing would help me to gain it better than to cause somebody else to do the falling for a bit. Alfred is six-foot-two, but a trifle weedy-looking, and so good-tempered that I knew he wouldn't resent being practised on. As he came in I advanced with outstretched hand to meet him. "How goes it?" he said cheerily, holding out his hand. "Like this," I said, as I gripped his right wrist instead of his fingers, turned to the left till I was abreast of him, inserted my left arm under his right, gripped the lapel of his coat with my left hand and turning his wrist downward with my right, pressed his arm back. To attack unexpectedly is the great thing. "Don't be a funny ass," said Alfred, as I lifted myself out of the waste-paper basket. How I got there I wasn't quite sure, but concluded that I had muffed the business with my left arm by not inserting it well above his elbow for the leverage. "Sorry," I said; "the new handshake. Everybody's doing it." "Are they?" said Alfred. "Well, I've been having some lessons in etiquette myself the last few days from a naval man I met down at Hythe. Seen the new embrace?" "Er--no," I said, putting a chair between us, "I don't think I have; but I'm not feeling affectionate this morning. I'm going to lunch." Thank goodness, if I do meet a spy, I've got a truncheon and a whistle. * * * * * MAKING THE BEST OF IT. "Now that supplies of German chemicals and drugs are not procurable, sufferers from nervous dyspepsia, etc., should give a trial to nervous dispepsia, etc." _Bristol Evening Times._ _Sufferer (after trial)._ "No, it's just as painful spelt with an 'i'." * * * * * "Other Petrograd despatches state that an increase in taxation by one-half is expected.... It is believed the increase will produce a milliard of troubles."--_The Mirror (Trinidad)._ We think better of Russian patriotism. * * * * *