Here on several concertinas in different parts of the hall, as well as upstairs, was heard, "It's a long way to Tipperary." Tommy began to behave like a maniac. He rushed about more wildly than before. He stopped his ears. He tried to hide. Then he began to sing again:-- What's that that bursts upon my ear, That overwhelming song I hear, That sound of fear? Though brave my men and wary, They've been done by "Tipperary;" Why did I make this war? It's in my brain by day, by night, In vain, in vain I take to flight, I'll hear it evermore-- That song! That song! Now came the great dramatic effect. On to the stage climbed, in the latest revue manner, from all parts of the house, the army of which I had the honour to be one, all pointing the finger of doom at the cringing Tommy Thurlow. Having got him well into our midst and broken to the world, we sang at him these stirring lines to a too familiar tune:-- It's a long way to get to Paree, It's a long way to go; It's the wrong way through little Belgium, The wrongest way we know. Good-bye, KAISER BILLY; Farewell, O mein Herr; It's a long, long way to St. Helena, But your home's right there! Terrific success; and, after some moments of reluctance, Aunt Louisa, still knitting a sock, was induced to bow. But it wasn't a bad first effort at drama by an old lady in gold spectacles, was it? I have seen worse by professional writers. * * * * * Illustration: _Patriotic Wife._ "NOW, RICHARD, BEFORE YOU GO, LET ME HEAR YOU REPEAT MY INSTRUCTIONS." _Richard._ "I MUST REMEMBER I'M THE HUSBAND OF AN ENGLISHWOMAN, AND I'M NOT TO COME BACK WITHOUT THE KAISER!" * * * * * Illustration: MR. THESPIAN JONES, THE FAMOUS ANIMAL IMPERSONATOR, OFFERS HIS SERVICES AS "COLLECTING DOG" UNDER THE AUSPICES OF A RELIEF COMMITTEE-- --BUT SUDDENLY FORGETS HIMSELF ON THE ARRIVAL OF GOOD NEWS FROM THE FRONT. * * * * * THE KAISER'S "HATE." [The feeling in Germany, it appears, is now quite friendly towards France and Russia, and all the fury of the Press is concentrated on England.] When first the champions were listed, When first the shells began to fall, Some trace of animus existed Between the Teuton and the Gaul; King WILLIAM was extremely callous, Nay, even found a certain zest In riding from his Potsdam palace To show his purple to the West. But what a charm the Frenchman carries! His compliments how wide they range! Before King WILLIAM got to Paris His feelings underwent a change: "Our ancient feud against the Latin," He said, "has sensibly decreased;" And rising from the trench he sat in He moved his umbrage to the East.