The latest news from South Africa would seem to show that Beyers are sometimes sold. * * * * * Illustration: "NOT BIG ENOUGH! D'YER KNOW 'OO I AM? D'YER KNOW FOIVE YEAR AGO I WAS CHAMPION LIGHT-WEIGHT OF WAPPING?" "I'VE NO DOUBT YOU'RE A GOOD MAN; BUT, YOU SEE, YOU DON'T COME UP TO THE REQUIRED MEASUREMENTS, SO I'M AFRAID THAT'S THE END OF IT." "OH, ALL RIGHT, THEN. ONLY, MIND YER, IF YER GO AN' LOSE THIS 'ERE WAR--WELL, DON'T BLAME _ME_--THAT'S ALL!" * * * * * THE FLASH-LIGHT THAT FAILED. (_Lines suggested by a recent incident on the Firth of Forth._) There was a young alien in Fife Who on spying was keen as a knife, Till a sentry--good egg!-- Plugged him bang through the leg And ruined his prospects for life. * * * * * "Along the coast the French Fleet are now aiding the British monitors, smashing the heavy buns rolled up to the coast by the Germans." In the heavy bun department we fear no rivals, and the Germans will soon find that in more than one railway-station refreshment department they will meet their Waterloo. * * * * * TO A FALSE PATRIOT. He came obedient to the Call; He might have shirked like half his mates Who, while their comrades fight and fall, Still go to swell the football gates. And you, a patriot in your prime, You waved a flag above his head, And hoped he'd have a high old time, And slapped him on the back and said: "You'll show 'em what we British are! Give us your hand, old pal, to shake;" And took him round from bar to bar And made him drunk--for England's sake. That's how you helped him. Yesterday, Clear-eyed and earnest, keen and hard, He held himself the soldier's way-- And now they've got him under guard. That doesn't hurt you; you're all right; Your easy conscience takes no blame; But he, poor boy, with morning's light, He eats his heart out, sick with shame. What's that to you? You understand Nothing of all his bitter pain; You have no regiment to brand; You have no uniform to stain; No vow of service to abuse, No pledge to KING and country due; But he had something dear to lose, And he has lost it--thanks to you. * * * * * UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. No. VI. (_From Professor HERMANN MUeLLER, Ph.D., Private in the ----th Regiment of Prussian Infantry._) _Belgium._ YOUR MAJESTY,--I am one of your Majesty's most loyal and most faithfully devoted subjects, and, if I now write to you, it is not because I doubt for one moment that you are inspired in all your actions by a clearer wisdom and a firmer grasp of facts than any that I can pretend to, but because there are certain questions which obstinately press upon me to such an extent that I must relieve my mind of them.