Somewhere in his rush from theatre to theatre of the war a message will reach the KAISER. The hatred of a world may flatter him, but the cold, chilling contempt of Little Pilswick will pierce to his very heart. * * * * * Illustration: OBVIOUS EMBARRASSMENT OF LITTLE BINKS, WHO HAS INJURED HIS HAND IN THE PEACEFUL OCCUPATION OF PICTURE-HANGING, AT BEING MISTAKEN FOR A WOUNDED HERO. * * * * * THE REPORT FALLACIOUS. I have a son, William. But there are compensations; he is at school. It was at the crisis of parting at the station that it seemed to me necessary to give William a word of parental advice. I hate seeing small boys at such moments stuffing themselves in refreshment-rooms. "William," I said, "life is not all cricket and football." "No, father" replied William, looking hard at the refreshment-room, "there's golf." "That, William, is scarcely a game. I should describe it in my own case as an exercise taken under medical advice, to obtain relief from business strain." "Father," burst out William, "there's Cheffins minor in the refreshment-room." "William," I proceeded, "at the end of each term I receive an unsatisfactory report about you from your house-master. It is only then that I know you have wasted three months of golden time." ("Golden time" was a happy inspiration.) "Old Starks is a rotter," said William briefly. "Now I put you on your honour, William, to send me a truthful report of your progress at the half-term. Then if you are not doing well I can write and ask that you should have special attention. On your honour, mind." "Yes, father. Shall we go across to the refreshment-room now?" "Ah, yes, certainly," I said, noticing a signal drop. "Oh, no; here's your train coming in." Then having done my duty I forgot all about the promised report. It arrived unexpectedly this morning. He had framed it precisely on the model of his house-master's reports:-- _Position in Form._ First. _Progress._ Very marked; decidedly more attentive and industrious. _Latin._ A distinct improvement in versification. Translates easily and intelligently. _Greek._ Displays remarkable promise. ("Of course it won't be much use to him in my leather business," I said to my wife; "still it shows grit.") _Mathematics._ Again marked progress is to be recorded. _Conduct._ Courteous, orderly, obedient. A good influence in the house. _General Remarks._ Will achieve a high position in the school, but must take care that too close absorption in study does not interfere with his athletic development. "Most gratifying," I said to my wife. "I just put the boy on his honour. I don't believe in lecturing boys. Ah, what's this at the bottom?" I read with horror the foot-note, "_Per_ Wireless from Berlin."