_Ethel._ "NOW THAT I'VE GOT THIS NICE MAP, WILL YOU TELL ME JUST WHERE TO PUT THE LITTLE FLAGS, DAD? I WANT TO KEEP IT RIGHT UP TO DATE." _Dad_ (_preoccupied with his paper_). "H'M--WELL--BETTER JUST STICK 'EM ALL IN BERLIN, AND--WAIT." * * * * * OUR WAR STORY. THE DREADFUL DOOM OF BERTRAM BORSTAL. I. Bertram Borstal turned out his pockets and spread their contents on the table before him. There were seven postage stamps perforated with the initials of his late employers, one three-penny-bit in silver, twopence in copper, and a Bank of England note for 10_s._ "Irretrievably ruined!" he muttered with closed lips. "I will offer my services to my country. I will enlist." He enlisted successfully until he reached the medical examination. The doctor thrust a shoe-horn into Bertram's mouth. "Count up to 99," he said. "Ug--koog--hee--haw--," Bertram began. "That'll do," remarked the doctor, closing the jaws with a snap. "Any constitutional ailment?" Bertram blushed heavily. "Only chronic dyspepsia," he admitted at length. The doctor gave a long whistle. Mistaking the sound a taxicab drew up. "You'd better jump in," he said kindly, taking Bertram's hand and putting it inadvertently into his own pocket. "I regret to say I cannot pass you for the Army." "Ploughed!" exclaimed our hero. "But if I cannot go as a soldier I will go as a spy. Drive me to Wigson's," he called to the taxi-driver as he leapt on to a passing bus. Half-an-hour later Bertram, disguised in the uniform of a spy, turned up the Strand and his coat-collar simultaneously and walked rapidly to Charing Cross station. He just managed to scramble into the 2.19 as it steamed from the platform at 3.7. II. That same evening (or the next) Bertram got out of the train at Kartoffelnberg, hired a tandem and drove to the German lines. He went straight to the General. "I shall be obliged if you will kindly tell me the number and disposition of your forces, and how and when you propose to advance." He spoke in English, but the General--formerly Military Attache at Appenrodt's--happily understood him. "Certainly," he replied. "Perhaps you would care to examine this map and plan of campaign?" Bertram thanked him, and commenced to trace them upon his spare vest. "Don't bother to do that," said the General. "Take this set of duplicates. The disposition of our forces is clearly marked in red ink, and their numerical strength certified by a chartered accountant. The only detail omitted is the number of women and children that will be placed in the firing-line. Today's bag has not yet been reported." An aide-de-camp galloped into the tent, flung himself from his exhausted mule and saluted. "In the name of our noble and august KAISER," he began, "I have the honour to inform you that we have to-day captured 47 charwomen, 16 bedridden octogenarians and 21 babies in arms."