Who suffers agonizing pains When stern necessity constrains The bashing-in of Gothic fanes? THE KAISER. Who has for several weeks of late Omitted to communicate With any foreign potentate? THE KAISER. Who in a cage of steel, we're told, The tides of war about him rolled, Watches the scroll of Fate unfold? THE KAISER. * * * * * Illustration: _The Recruit here portrayed, being most anxious to get into KITCHENER'S Army, is determined to accommodate himself to any conditions as they arise._ _Officer_ (_filling in form_). "WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?" _Zealous Recruit._ "WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SHORT OF?" * * * * * FALSE PRETENCES. Since the War began the military experts have monopolised one corner of the smoke-room. Don't imagine I am going to write about them. It is in the other corner of the smoke-room that the Cheering-Up Association meets. There we all come and relate our business troubles and listen to the troubles of our friends. It is wonderful how consoling other people's troubles are. Robinson brightens perceptibly when he discovers that Jenkins is also heading for the Bankruptcy Court. Of course the talk began with Mitchell's play. It always does. We have followed with tempered interest its pilgrimage from one manager to another these two years. "All U P," groaned Mitchell. "Algernon Princeton had promised faithfully to produce it in October. Now he's closed his theatre. He's a pretty patriot. If it had run--let us put it moderately--two hundred nights I should have made L4,000 clear. American rights would have been worth quite as much. Touring companies in the provinces, Colonial rights, translation rights--why, I should have made ten thousand--no, in business matters one must be accurate--say, twenty thousand. It's all that WILLIAM! If I wasn't over age and hadn't tobacco heart, I'd go and have a pop at him myself." "That's just speculative loss," said Nairn. "Now I've lost an actual income. You men know I'm by way of being a financial authority. Well, who wants financial advice nowadays? I give you my word of honour I've sold nothing since the war began except half-a-dozen articles on the weakness of Germany's financial position. If it is anything like my financial position the war won't last long. I envy Wilson over there. He's got something to sell that's wanted. Nothing like the wholesale woollen business nowadays." Wilson shook his head. "You don't know all," he said. "I don't mind telling you fellows in confidence that I owe over four thousand pounds, and I don't know when I shall be in a position to pay it." Everyone looked sympathetic, and when Wilson had risen from his seat and walked towards the door there was a general murmur of "Poor fellow, it's hit him very hard." Wilson paused at the door and looked back. "Did I mention," he said, "that I owe that sum to German manufacturers?"