E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 27440-h.htm or 27440-h.zip: (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440/27440-h/27440-h.htm) or (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440/27440-h.zip) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOL. 147 SEPTEMBER 16, 1914 CHARIVARIA. "Our future lies upon the water," once boasted the KAISER. "And our present lies in it," as the German soldier remarked when the Belgians opened the dykes near Antwerp. * * * The mass of the German people would seem to be extraordinarily ill-informed in regard to the War and to stand sadly in need of enlightenment in some respects. For example, their ebullitions of rage against everyone and everything English shows that they are ignorant of the fact that we are a decadent nation and a negligible quantity in the War. * * * Many of the little scraps in which the Germans were reported by their Press to have been victorious now turn out to have been merely scraps of paper. * * * According to _The Times_ one of the first acts of the new Pope will be to urge the Powers at war to desist from hostilities in the interests of humanity. It is rumoured that Austria-Hungary thinks this a capital idea. * * * Our readers will, we are sure, be sorry to hear that the lady who, as reported in our pages the week before last, in the course of a difference with her husband, called him "a bloomin' Oolan," has once again had words with him. This time, the husband complains, she shouted after him, "You 'Un!" * * * An appeal has been made for magazines for the men at the front. The following extract from a letter touches on the subject:--"On Wednesday heavy German cavalry charged us with drawn sabres, and we only had a minute to prepare to receive them. We left our entrenchments and, rallying in groups, emptied our magazines into them as they drew near." * * * We regret to hear that, owing to so many persons failing to go out of Town this year, there is considerable distress among London burglars. The oldest among them do not remember a duller season. * * * A dear old lady writes to say that she is delighted to hear that the Crystal Palace has been taken over by the Admiralty, as she loves the place, and it is _so_ brittle. * * * Another dear old thing suggests that, in order to facilitate the work of the police, all spies should be compelled to wear a distinctive dress. * * * With the object of benefiting the local branch of the National Relief Fund there has been published at Brighton the first number of a paper called _The Ally_. Our contemporary, _Ally Sloper_, has generously decided in the circumstances to take no proceedings with a view to protecting its title.