As the fat spider wipes its eye Over each strangulated fly; As ABDUL HAMID once was fain To weep for the Armenian slain; As HAYNAU felt his eyelids drip When women cowered beneath his whip; As TORQUEMADA doubtless bled With sorrow for the tortured dead-- So in his own peculiar style Weeps the Imperial Crocodile. * * * * * THE IMPERIAL PRUSSIAN COLLEGE OF CULTURE. _Telegrams_: "Kultur, Berlin." _Principal_ Dr. von Hackheim, assisted by a large staff of University Professors. Brutality is acknowledged by the most distinguished Teutonic psychologists to have an important place in modern warfare, as serving to maintain a properly submissive attitude on the part of the unarmed enemy, and the College has been established to complete this side in the training of cadets for the Imperial German field army. TRAINING BY GRAMOPHONE. Many difficulties have had to be surmounted. For instance it was found that, in spite of training students, proceeding to the front showed hesitation in the execution of non-combatants, and grew pale on first hearing the cries of women and children. This difficulty is being obviated by means of gramophone records taken in Belgium, which serve to inure the novice to the sounds of anguish. By the time he proceeds to the front no cries for mercy have any power to move him. LITERAE INHUMANIORES. The curriculum is extensive. In addition to regular musketry practice at moving and stationary Red Cross waggons, hospital bomb drill, etc., courses of lectures are being given by thinkers of the first eminence. Some of the most celebrated names on the contemporary record of German culture are to be found in our staff list. During the coming term, for instance, Dr. Junker, of the BERNHARDI School of Philosophy, will give a series of discourses on "The Evolution of the Doctrine of Blood and Iron," "Infantile Mortality and its Promotion," "Philosophic Doubts regarding the Value of Mercy," illustrated by photographs taken in Louvain; and a course of lectures on "The Debt of Art to Atrocity" will be delivered by Professor Blutwurst, who occupies the ATTILA Chair of Anatomy in the University of Leipzig. RECREATION. The proper recreation of students is not neglected and sports are encouraged. Paper chases are held frequently, the paper torn up for the trail being provided by the courtesy of the Foreign Office, who supply the College with all treaties found upon their shelves. RECORDS IN BRUTALITY. The Principal desires it to be known that he will always be glad to hear from past students now serving with the Imperial Forces who have performed any notable act of inhumanity towards non-combatants. * * * * * Illustration: _Teutonic Barber._ "SHAFE, SIR?" _Customer._ "YE-ES---- THAT IS, NO!---- I THINK I'LL TRY A HAIR-CUT." * * * * * THE OUTPOST.